I didn’t know

Forgive me little one

If I would’ve known 

I would’ve been more careful

If I would’ve known 

I would’ve treasured the time you spent in my belly

If I would’ve known 

I would’ve done everything differently

You never made it till when I would know if you were a boy or girl

You were my little bean

My precious baby

I knew nothing of

Forgive me, my child

For I didn’t know you existed 

I swore up and down I had experienced a cycle last month not knowing a pregnant woman could spot

I should’ve known by how attached I’d grown to the babies around me

My precious darling

I never got to meet you

I never got to hold you

I never got to name you

You were a mystery to me

If I could go back in time 

I’d do it all again if I got to meet you

I wanted to give you the world

Wanted to teach you 

Wanted to feel your heart beat against mine

Hold your hand and walk you through life

They say a mothers love is unconditional 

Mine would’ve surpassed that and more

My baby

I’m so sorry

I can’t express the pain of that day

The days,weeks,months afterwards 

I don’t feel like a mother 

People would say technically I’m not

But somewhere consciously I knew you were there

I absentmindedly rub my stomach sometimes 

Thinking 

Thinking of how it would’ve felt to feel you kick 

Would your father have been there??

I don’t know 

But mommy would’ve never left you

No matter how rough it would’ve been for your mommy

Through the lowest lows and the highest highs...

Mommy would’ve held everything down for her little bean

If you were a girl 

I would’ve named you Sapphirina

If you were a boy

I would’ve named you Nilan

My body wasn’t ready to carry you

It so hard for me to accept 

That the time wasn’t perfect

That my body wasn’t ready

God said it was not the time for me to have you 

But next time 

I swear I’ll be more careful 

I swear I’ll do whatever it takes to have you in my arms

My little bean

I love you

More than anything in this world

I may not have known but the instinct has never been more louder 

The love ....has never been more stronger

I dedicate this poem to you 

Myself

And all the mothers that lost a baby they never got to know...