To my Former Angel,
I would always look up to you. You were my heaven, my unattainable goal I strove to reach. Everything you did I wanted to do, and better. You were my best friend and I always wanted to be around you. You were bright like the sun and sweet like the sugar cane that the sun prompts to grow.
I remember reading Percy Jackson and the Titian’s Curse. I was very enraptured by the thought of huntresses following Artemis. So, I created a book of my own about how you were a goddess. I warped all of my friends into following you because I thought you were worth following. You were once…But I’m not so sure anymore.
Your freckles are caked in powder and your heart covered in a coal lock box. I’m not really sure what got you from sweet to salty. You are hardly ever genuinely nice anymore and you are always stringing people along.
For years you were my best friend and I loved you, but something went awry. I used to show up to the dance studio and feel safe because you would always be there for me. I would want to come to dance everyday because I wanted to see you. You’ll never let me down I would think. But I remember not the first time you let me down, but the most significant time. The scar still runs deep in my heart.
It was a few weeks ago when I was talking to you at school. I used to come to dance every day, but now I have obligations to the school musical. So when you asked me if I was coming to dance I said that I could not. Then you asked me if I knew the dances and I said I did not. I told you not to worry and that I would learn them eventually because I was busy in the school musical that day. You then looked me in the eyes and said, “You should quit dance.” The way you said it was so mean as if you were judging me. And those words cut like a knife because they made me feel as though you didn’t want me, as though you didn’t care about me, and as if I was brining you down because some how me not going to dance was the end of the world. Honestly, you used to be the one to make me want to go to dance, and now you are the one who makes me want to leave that studio and never come back.
And that was not the only time you let me down either. You let me down many times before and after that. Especially now you let me down every time I see you with other friends. Every time you cast me off like I’m nothing and talk to another instead. And it’s not like I have a right to be envious. You can be friends with whomever you want; I just thought we would always be best friends. I thought we could make it through anything, but apparently not.
You may not know this, but you were the first person I did something for other than myself. I wore that helmet to skate station with you when I was in fourth grade because I didn’t want you to be alone and I loved you so much that I would do anything for you. But it just never felt like you were that committed to me. It never felt as though I was your favorite person.
Now when I come to dance you always cast me off. You try to purposefully upset me, and other people can see it. You also always make me upset when you keep saying mean things about a girl who was upset that you got all of the solos. You two did not talk for months and I warned you to be the better person. That’s what little you would have done. Little you would have been the bigger person. The girl who was my friend and idol would not have so easily given up on someone and ignored them. It wasn't just that girl you ignored. You ignored everyone you were upset with.
And when you ignored me time and time again I began to realize that perhaps we would not make the best of friends after all…I liked to talk openly about my feeling while you enjoyed suppressing yours. And as you did, I found that you were not the perfect goddess I had always thought you were, but a scared human. In a way you shattered my illusion of a perfect human. And yet, I still look up to you. Even after everything you have done to upset and disappoint me….
That one significant event has built on top of all of the other disappointing events you caused and taught me a feeling of hate. The thing is, you always make me feel so small. Acting like I don’t have a right to be at the dance studio because I have been missing class for theatre rehearsal, telling me to quit dance, telling me to get a handle on my life, telling me that I better know the dances. I just don’t know how much more I can take! Most nights I go home crying because of you, yet everyday I want your approval. And every time I see you walking through the hallway at school I can’t help but burst into beaming. I still feel that connection we had as children. And I feel your loss more deeply than I have ever felt any other human’s void in my life. But it takes two to ruin a friendship. And you never tried to keep ours. The countless times I invited you to have fun with me, you have rejected almost all of them. So I told myself I did not deserve to live like that. To wait around for my best friend to come and live with me when she really no longer had a desire to be my best friend at all.