My Fault
I tend to keep dwelling on what happened
How I could've prevented it
How I could've kept saying no
How I could've pushed you away
How it was all my fault..
I didn't prevent you from opening a secret
vault
With the wrong key
I just let it be
I kept saying that it was okay
To all of my friend that found the glory &
excitement of losing a gift that was
supposed to be for someone
that I loved
that I knew loved me in return
I would explain detail by detail
Of a story I made up in my head
But the truth was spilled all over his bed
I felt like I was stripped from my pride
And trapped in a nightmare that would never end
He would tell me that he loved it
How great it felt
But it felt terrible
How does one find the joy in ripping apart
the clothes of a girl who only believed she
had a friend that understood her refusal
How does one have the audacity to not feel
ashamed of what they did?
A crime that can't be take back.
A crib that took away something so innocent
How does one find the joy of watching
someone struggle
Scared for their life
Screaming stop over and over
But still continuing ..?
I dwelled on this everyday..
Even when I sat by the bay
After a long day
Or in bed with no sound
And surrounded by only black
It ruined my mentality
Never told a soul
Just because I was afraid..
Afraid that you would say it was all bullshit
That I agreed
That I wanted it
That everyone would turn against me
My friends, my teachers, everyone
Because they thought I was lying
It felt like I anyways
Without even trying
One I opened my mouth
To my best friends
All the worry came to an end
I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders
I didn't feel like I was still being trapped
by boulders
I no longer feel worry
I no longer feel scared
I feel strong
I no longer say "it was my fault"