My Fault

I tend to keep dwelling on what happened 
How I could've prevented it 
How I could've kept saying no 
How I could've pushed you away 
How it was all my fault.. 
I didn't prevent you from opening a secret 
With the wrong key 
I just let it be 
I kept saying that it was okay 
To all of my friend that found the glory & 
excitement of losing a gift that was 
supposed to be for someone 
that I loved 
that I knew loved me in return 
I would explain detail by detail 
Of a story I made up in my head 
But the truth was spilled all over his bed
I felt like I was stripped from my pride 
And trapped in a nightmare that would never end 
He would tell me that he loved it 
How great it felt
But it felt terrible 
How does one find the joy in ripping apart 
the clothes of a girl who only believed she 
had a friend that understood her refusal
How does one have the audacity to not feel 
ashamed of what they did? 
A crime that can't be take back. 
A crib that took away something so innocent 
How does one find the joy of watching 
someone struggle 
Scared for their life 
Screaming stop over and over 
But still continuing ..? 
I dwelled on this everyday..
Even when I sat by the bay 
After a long day 
Or in bed with no sound 
And surrounded by only black 
It ruined my mentality 
Never told a soul 
Just because I was afraid..
Afraid that you would say it was all bullshit 
That I agreed 
That I wanted it 
That everyone would turn against me 
My friends, my teachers, everyone 
Because they thought I was lying 
It felt like I anyways 
Without even trying 
One I opened my mouth 
To my best friends 
All the worry came to an end 
I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders 
I didn't feel like I was still being trapped 
by boulders 
I no longer feel worry 
I no longer feel scared 
I feel strong 
I no longer say "it was my fault" 


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