I don't think i need a partner necessarily to be happy- i think if anything i need more self love. I spent my whole life locked up and neglected by my guardians but believe it or not as independent as i was- i still cared more about other people than myself. So in a way, yes- i do see myself as a “conceited” person but i don't believe “conceited” is the right word for it. I take it as a new profound self love that is developing and getting stronger the older I get. Because who’s gonna be there for me when I have no one? The only person that can help me- is me. I can only get better if I learn to love and respect myself physical and mentally as a person- i can only spread my love if it’s coming from the beautiful self love that pours out of my soul already.                                                                                      

                                                                                                                                                            But at times it almost feels like- or doesn’t feel like anything rather. I feel nothing. I feel absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. Is that bad? It’s like I’ve invested so much into finding myself, my inner peace to a point where now I’m just emotionless. The therapeutic remedy for putting my needs before everyone else’s took a rather scary and narrow turn. I’m no longer not just putting others before me- but I’m putting myself at the very top of an nonexistent dictatorship where everything played out in my head must be played out the same exact way in real life or it causes a fluster of anxiety to the public eye. It’s the sad reality of letting a person with shit anxiety do a self- diagnosis and thinking of a cure for themselves.                                                                                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                                   You think you’ve got it all figured out, you think you can just skip a day of therapy and be okay. You try and hide the fact in that your new self is actually a lot darker and lonelier. But to the public eye- you’re a leader. A higher authority with great power- but it’s all in your head. You can’t escape it unless you start from a clean slate. The slate is stained- the slate is whatever color you want it to be actually. The stain is the wrong- how do you remove it? By not accepting some form of help whether it’s from yourself or another person you’re basically pouring dish soap on it and saying “what the hell”. You want that clean slate? You’ve got to get the right materials to remove it.                                                                              

                                                                                                                                                                   It’s like trying to remove wine off a yellow shirt with chlorine bleach. It’s a process. Your  life is a process and it’s not an overnight task. It takes time- a shit ton of time.                                                                                      

                                                                                                                                                                It’s the loneliness in this portion of healing that sucks the most though. You get so, so fucking used to isolation from the world- you know, since in order to find that self love you had to isolate the outside lifestyles and characteristics of other people so that you only worry about yourself. You don’t want to deal with outside influences. You’ve gotten used to the silence at this point and it’s peacefully depressing.                                                                                                            

                                                                                                                                                                      And you’re okay, you don’t know if this is depression or not- but as for self love you’re perfectly fine. It’s just lonely now. Waking up with nobody to talk to. No motivation to go out into public places- etc. 

                                                                                                                                                                      It’s just you,  yourself and mister lonely. Such nice figments.