I have learned everything 

the hard way

but i cannot complain 

I have learned that words do 

not mean the same thing when 

they are said

And that's a really big problem 

for someone like me.

I have learned that even when

you express however you can

what it is you feel it doesn't

sound how you want it to

sound

doesn't sound how you want it to

 feel

But i will try:

 

 

I never liked the way they talked

about you but as i grew i found

myself talking the way they talked

about you and it was inevitable

I learned that 

that was who you were

i learned that even though i

tried my best to be of use i 

came off as always angry

always a fuse

 

I learned that you had your way 

to make me feel like i owed you

something greater

you always knew how to play

the role of the victim

but it never really was a role

i learned that

that was who you were

 

i learned that love was

not meant to last

(i heard somewhere that we must be careful with our words because they can make someone love us less)

so then i thought

maybe i should stop

talking so much so you wouldn't take

what i said the wrong way

Don't tell me it's not true.

Don't tell me it's not true

when i can feel the way you hug me

is cold

Don't tell me it's not true

when you pull the blanket over

Braulio

and yell at me to turn off the light

Don't tell me its not true

you have estranged me

 

but it's a two way road

i am not a great daughter

i was always only helping myself

selfish (so selfish)

but don't tell me i'm too young 

to know what pain really is

i learned that your pain was mine

your problems were mine

(maybe even) from conception

From that man that left, to that unpaid water bill

from one eviction notice to the next

$650 home with broken windows

 

I caught myself getting angry at 

the way you would even eat your fruit

and the way you asked me to do the dishes 

when you knew i didnt even 

have the energy to get out from

under my own skin

your pleading voice made

me burn inside

 

i started thinking that maybe 

you hoarded so many things 

because

you felt hollow

that maybe owning so many

torn fabrics and broken soap

dispensers and old toys

made you feel like you took up

more space in our lives.

Maybe you were just trying to

help us remember that you

matter

but mother

we also matter

we also have our open wounds

and bruised shoulders

we have our heavy hearts and

thinning blood

And i want you to know that i 

can't help you when i cant even

help myself

And i shouldnt have to

apologize for who i am 

but i apologize for everything i 

wasn't able to be for you.

But its a two way road

and i want you to know that