Mother of mine

The all being one to me for twelve years

With the messy hair and even messier brain

With the laugh that could infect an entire room

With the painter's hands and explorer's eyes

With the advice of a sage

With the mismatched coffee mugs and socks with sandals

With the love of lemonade stands and cherry picking

With the moves of an eightie's dancer and the spirit to do such movements naked on the kitchen table

Mother of mine

With the addiction to depression

The addiction to anxiety

The addiction to self medication

The addiction to a pill smaller than my finger nail.

Mother of Mine

I really miss you.

I really hate you.

I really love you.

I really need you, now and forever.

Mother of mine

too weak to continue on in this space, in that body, in my smiles and my sister's joy

Mother of mine

who chose a way out that may have been peaceful to you

yet was chaos to us.

Mother of mine,

you are still the all being one to me after twelve years, it will be twelve years this month, twelve years since you left me at twelve.

you are still the all being and everything.

but now that everything also includes anger and sadness and hate and destruction.

mother of mine,

i love you.