The Little Boy

Sat, 01/25/2014 - 19:56 -- princox

Finding the will to get off my bed

Feel the blood rush to my head

Am I content with the way things are?

To feel inadequate in the world

Yet the determination to be better has faded

To feel broken down to the bone

Yet the cells in my body are too tired to form

To sleep all day

Yet not feeling any less jaded than before

Ambition with no motivation

Is like reaching my hand out to hold

Knowing I’ll still come back alone

 

 

These words won’t heal my open salted wounds

From every lie they’ve ever told

And every dream that has fallen through

But these words twist and turn in my mind

Replaying and debating

Repeating

Faded

Broken

Jaded

Until I find myself saying

“Yes, it’s happening

But no, I won’t get any better

I overthink

Overthink till I can’t think”

 

 

Better is all relative

Eating at our brains

Contemplating if I should do this

Or maybe it will all go wrong

Take the risk with confidence

Only to find I’m not as good as I thought

All my hard work hasn’t paid off

There’s always someone better

I’m just living in an illusion

My perspectives deceive me

 

 

The golden gates called

And called

Never did I ever think

Even when I overthought

That the only thing holding me back was

Myself

It was the ways words twisted and turned

Replaying and overanalyzing

Broken

Jaded

Faded

“I will never be the greatest”

It messed with my mind

I reflected every action with

How maybe I could’ve been better

Or how I could be more like

Her

Or more like

Him

Never did I wish to be just

Me

 

 

The thought came in once in a while

That maybe this isn’t so bad

But it passed through my mind from left to right

Like the sun peeking through the rainclouds

Just for a second

Right before the strongest storm

The sun was gone for weeks

The clouds hovered over me for years

I held my head high

Pretending like I only ever saw the light

No misery or troubles to shadow me

 

 

But a storm was brewing inside

Stronger than before

Ripping me from inside and out

It screamed over the torrential downpour

“You can’t ignore me!

I am the shadow

The little devil on your shoulder

I am your biggest fear

Your worst nightmare”

That it did

It haunted me at night

The words twisting and turning in my mind

Jaded

Faded

Broken

 

 

On the darkest of days

I was walking alone

Until a little boy came along

“Smile” he said

With a closed mouth

I brought the sides of my lips up

Tight and short

The boy frowned and shook his head

“No, no! I said smile!

You’re not smiling!”

I frowned

I had a recollection of when I was young

Laughing with my brothers on the driveway

Smiling

Open mouthed

Showing my crooked teeth

Crinkled eyes

I tried my best to replicate that expression for this boy

He seemed so young

Hopeful

Refreshed

Alive

He looked up at me

Face spreading wide

Ear to ear

“I don’t know how you forgot to smile

You’re pretty when you do”

In that moment

It felt so easy to lift the weight of my heavy face

To bend down and say

“Thank you”

 

 

The storm raging inside settled down

It took a little boy to remind me

Looking up and lifting my face

Makes enough difference to notice

So I smiled when I laid my head down

The twisting and turning

Stopped

Just for a second

I thought

Maybe this isn’t so bad

And the thought stayed for a while

So did the sun

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