The Little Boy
Finding the will to get off my bed
Feel the blood rush to my head
Am I content with the way things are?
To feel inadequate in the world
Yet the determination to be better has faded
To feel broken down to the bone
Yet the cells in my body are too tired to form
To sleep all day
Yet not feeling any less jaded than before
Ambition with no motivation
Is like reaching my hand out to hold
Knowing I’ll still come back alone
These words won’t heal my open salted wounds
From every lie they’ve ever told
And every dream that has fallen through
But these words twist and turn in my mind
Replaying and debating
Repeating
Faded
Broken
Jaded
Until I find myself saying
“Yes, it’s happening
But no, I won’t get any better
I overthink
Overthink till I can’t think”
Better is all relative
Eating at our brains
Contemplating if I should do this
Or maybe it will all go wrong
Take the risk with confidence
Only to find I’m not as good as I thought
All my hard work hasn’t paid off
There’s always someone better
I’m just living in an illusion
My perspectives deceive me
The golden gates called
And called
Never did I ever think
Even when I overthought
That the only thing holding me back was
Myself
It was the ways words twisted and turned
Replaying and overanalyzing
Broken
Jaded
Faded
“I will never be the greatest”
It messed with my mind
I reflected every action with
How maybe I could’ve been better
Or how I could be more like
Her
Or more like
Him
Never did I wish to be just
Me
The thought came in once in a while
That maybe this isn’t so bad
But it passed through my mind from left to right
Like the sun peeking through the rainclouds
Just for a second
Right before the strongest storm
The sun was gone for weeks
The clouds hovered over me for years
I held my head high
Pretending like I only ever saw the light
No misery or troubles to shadow me
But a storm was brewing inside
Stronger than before
Ripping me from inside and out
It screamed over the torrential downpour
“You can’t ignore me!
I am the shadow
The little devil on your shoulder
I am your biggest fear
Your worst nightmare”
That it did
It haunted me at night
The words twisting and turning in my mind
Jaded
Faded
Broken
On the darkest of days
I was walking alone
Until a little boy came along
“Smile” he said
With a closed mouth
I brought the sides of my lips up
Tight and short
The boy frowned and shook his head
“No, no! I said smile!
You’re not smiling!”
I frowned
I had a recollection of when I was young
Laughing with my brothers on the driveway
Smiling
Open mouthed
Showing my crooked teeth
Crinkled eyes
I tried my best to replicate that expression for this boy
He seemed so young
Hopeful
Refreshed
Alive
He looked up at me
Face spreading wide
Ear to ear
“I don’t know how you forgot to smile
You’re pretty when you do”
In that moment
It felt so easy to lift the weight of my heavy face
To bend down and say
“Thank you”
The storm raging inside settled down
It took a little boy to remind me
Looking up and lifting my face
Makes enough difference to notice
So I smiled when I laid my head down
The twisting and turning
Stopped
Just for a second
I thought
Maybe this isn’t so bad
And the thought stayed for a while
So did the sun