Listen

Today, I lost everything.
And yet, there's nothing missing.
Rather, I've found that what I thought I had,
Was never really there.
 
I think back, to when I was a kid,
And I realise how alone I've been.
 
Mother's working,
Sister beats me up,
Brother was off in the military,
Dad was never there.
 
And I wonder,
What's wrong with me?
Where do these thoughts come from?
Why does nobody care?
 
I've talked.
About classes, and grades,
And music, and art,
And never about what needed said.
 
I needed someone to listen to all of my excuses,
Wait through all of the things that needn't be said,
If only to listen to what was hidden beneath.
Just listen.
 
But no, the world doesn't work like that.
It works through corrupting you with cruel secrets - Secrets still unsaid! - 
Making those who could've helped disgusted by you,
For your defenses are too sharp for soft hands to touch.
 
Maybe it's because I learned the cruel reality of life early,
Perhaps it's because there's something instinctually wrong with me,
But I've never laughed truly with someone. Never shared secrets.
Never had a friend.
 
When I try now, I burden them with too much,
I speak too fast while saying too little,
And in the maelstorm of words they drown,
Once again, leaving me alone.
 
If people knew me, I'd fear the worst,
Not the judgement or false sympathies,
But the things I've never felt.
True acceptance. True understanding. True sympathy.
 
By now, I've learned how to act.
I'm acutely aware of it.
The smiles and nods and okays.
The chaos lurking beneath.
 
My demons found me again.
I'd forgotten them after three years.
I searched for those unlike me, uncorrupted,
I tried to hold the demons back.
 
But there's no one here anymore.
Just false impressions with watered down words,
Bitter comments and stinging statements,
Just shadows playing people.
 
My demons won today.
They're guiding my hands,
And I can't even protest.
They're the only ones here.
 
They whisper and beckon and it's all I can do to stay their hands,
Only to see mine and what it's done and cry because, because,
They're the only ones there. They're the only ones that understand.
They're the only ones that listen.
 
And I've lied to myself for so long.
This world doesn't need me,
But I'm here, living in it,
Surviving by the skin of my teeth.
 
Perhaps this world wasn't ready for me.
Perhaps I wasn't ready for this world.
I'm trying my best to find a reason to hold on in this world.
My fingers are slipping.

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