Since last summer

 

 

Since last summer,

My disobedience has increased,

Now I have guns,

I used to have none,

But I’m reloading each one,

Because my anger is shooting bullets,

Like I am the streets,

Since last summer,

My simple attitude,

Had been a consequence,

Blown way out of proportion,

And then I’m diagnosed,

With oppositional defiance,

 

I never used to be like this…

But this summer,

Was no Mary-go-round

Last summer,

Was no roller coaster ride?

And the ones before,

Have been unremembered…

Maybe a side effect from the anxiety pills,

And my condition,

Is slowly worsening,

In front of a sea of eyes

Forgetting about my illness,

But I’m living in no realness,

Accidental issues,

Lack of using tissues,

Attention seeking,

Is what they call it when I cry,

Bipolar,

Is the case when I’m angered,

I wonder what they’ll call it when I die,

Perhaps suicide!

But anytime the joy of your seeds,

Doesn’t hurt them,

When their blood bleeds,

Jumps out of the box,

You flee to their reliance,

 

Since last summer,

And all of those other,

Last summers,

The passenger’s seat has always been occupied,

Depending on who’s riding?

The answer we’ll see,

Is mean to be I doubt it,

Because those words,

Were never relying!

 

Since last summer,

Every guy I liked,

Was only a player in your eyes?

And was never just a gentleman,

Every dose of medicine,

Has been tried,

Despite the Ritalin,

I must be an experiment,

 

Punishment withholds,

The disappointment,

Not being able to plead

My own case,

No seen,

No found,

Nor gained,

Consultant!

 

Since last summer,

I guess I’ve asked way too many questions,

Being told,

I go way overboard,

Barely receiving,

The ones I requested

Being let down,

And never regaining,

The debt I invested

Isolating myself,

Because I know,

People can be reluctant,

I had felt,

Broke down and rejected,

Opened

At the sight of the credits,

And ejected,

 

Since last summer,

I have been on my own,

Never letting anyone in,

Never calling home,

I stayed in my room,

And I did things all alone,

But the summer,

Before was worse in that case,

Jealously over nurturing,

And motherly disgrace,

I never knew who loved me,

I never knew my place,

Now I never come upstairs,

Unless I really have to,

Since last summer,

Things have gotten worse,

Something’s

I’m just getting back to,

But now I’m not afraid,

To go out in the cold,

Without a coat,

But there are still,

No jokes to laugh to,

 

Since last summer,

Only my pain can speak for itself,

My eyes droop down,

And my waist screams help,

Because

Since last summer,

I’ve dropped from,

164 to 99 pounds,

My face is okay,

But I guess my shape,

Lacks a few rounds,

Since last summer,

No has been lovable,

No open arms to me,

No one has been huggable,

My disability,

And insecurity,

Is making me very irritable,

I’m nowhere in reality,

But no one has been,

Reliable,

My dignity,

And my energy,

Is like a blown out battery,

 

It’s always Xanax!

How many milligrams is your ability?

Dae dae!

Take your Adderall!

Hands fed,

How many steps did you downfall?

 

Bedtime,

No time to do anything,

But write a million words,

Not meaning anything at all,   

Down,

On an already written on piece of paper,

Different people yelling

For me to come upstairs and eat,

But that doesn’t happen

Till much later,

 

This summer,

Was no better than my lasts,

Only seems to be deteriorating,

Sad is already anger,

And dissatisfaction,

Doesn’t seem to be turning back,

 

Discipline has no force to me,

Disobedience has been divorced me,

No one has ever really seen me unleashed,

This bomb in my chest,

Has yet to be an explosion,

Timed by the way my heart beats,

This summer,

Was like a death penalty,

The past was only the sentence,

That I could never even complete,

Only to have been told good ridden,

No thanks,

No gifts,

Awarded to me,

Even though I was humble enough

Not to ask for any,

No tickets to paradise,

No one way home,

It was a runaway from this foul world,

Hoping to come back whole,

 

It’s all been,

When the last hallucination?

Why don’t you eat?

Is depression a relation?

How big of a dose should I give you?

How is your respiration?

Is the new medicine helping?

Tell me what are the variations?

 

I am a nervous downfall to my summers,

I never go about them happily,

The winters are no better

There just a colder and sadder sight to see,

 

The fall and the spring are supplements,

Of my midlife crashing,

No more summers for me, unless my life

Will be everlasting,

 

Since last summer,

I have been to hell and back, 

Way past reality,

From top to last,

Not living like real,

No feelings that feel,

Just like a zombie functioning only

On fattening pills,

 

Consequences way out of proportion,

Like it’s my fault,

That there are problems,

With the way,

I go about things,

Not relying,

On the fact that

The prescription,

Doctor Holland gave me,

Side effects were really bad mood swings,

                                                                                  

                                                                               It’s always Xanax!

How many milligrams is your ability?

Dae dae take your Adderall!

Hands fed,

How many steps did you downfall?

 

That’s enough!

Disrespect,

Call home,

Suspension,

Medicine change,

“What’s the problem?”

SHE ONLY WANTS ATTENTION!!

 

Summer’s done!

Round one

Let’s try to do this.

 

 

 

 

PS. I didn’t have bad summers

Until they diagnosed me with it