I understand why you "believe."
We humans long for control. Desperately we seek it, always, but most when we have lost what little control we had and are left with none.
"God" is a defense mechanism.
For some, they get angry: others cry, shut down, lay fetal: many pray.
When they have no control, "God" represents that control for them. They do not think they control God, no, not consciously. But subconsciously, since they created this idea, they control it, and use it to keep their sanity.
Like an abused child repressing her memories, "believers" unconsciously control themselves to remain sane.
And thus "God" is a defense mechanism.
What, then, when you do not "believe?" What, then, when you do not defend?
In my darkest hours I have felt the pull. My mind shutting down, the other side taking over- I call for God's help. I pray. But, then, my conscious prevails, I remember; I do not "believe."
I throw away the shield, for behind it I cannot see.
But without it, reality blinds me.
So if you deny this last defense of the human mind, what then? What becomes of you?
Well, the answer is simple. What does it defend?
No, I am not insane.
But I've forgone the shield and I've wounds to tell.