Once upon a time I admired kaleidoscopes.

A single spin and wonders unveiled

Enthralling crystals contort [such twisted patterns].

Like so, take a spin,

And I will don another face, another persona,

Another maddening mask for another maddening audience.

How is it that in this culture,

We are expected to thrive and succeed [like little weeds, American dream]

But speak of flaws, merest hint of a facade,

Better to slam the closet door [that sorry skeleton].

Here, another girl

Who lost herself within her “perfection,”

But found herself outside imposed filters.

Here, an unveiling of wonders [bone-white truth, spiny and sickly]

An unmasking of me, from cowardice

To courage.

[Past]:

                He loves me—he loves me not—he loves me—

                No matter. I love and I lose,

                I lose my unbruised skin and I love his hands,

                Despite it all. 

                One two threefour fivesixseveneight flee the pounds

                Ever closer to withering myself away,

                [Take up the least space, clear room for the worthy].

                And the strangers, they whisper

                [No right, no right, it’s not right

                To say we are real, here we only dwell]

                And my head runs amok with words

                I could never utter.

[Present]:

                I am no longer a landing strip for your [grasping, pulling] hands

                In silence, there is nothing to be swayed,

                And my silence fills my throat, threatening to burst forth

                To proclaim my truths:

                My love is not a ripe apple

                To be picked, gnawed, discarded.

                I now guard my orchards [no heart on my sleeve].

                My mirror image does not threaten me,

                It does not compel me to vanish myself,

                There is pleasure in having feet [solidly planted] on the ground.

                And the strangers, on they whisper,

                But we are fast becoming friends.

[Future]:

                In out in out [breathe deep, then release]

                I measure my days in breaths,

                Breaths I lived to breathe [and how luscious the air].

                My silence will not hold [cannot dam] forever

                The words will rush forward, flood tide. 

                And I will have strength enough to speak.

                And I will help others to cast away and to breathe.

It has taken me eighteen years to see

The crystals in kaleidoscopes?

Only plastic.

The lies in me?

Fucking over.