just seeing him makes me angry

 

just seeing his greying hair,

 

his yellow and brown teeth 

that cost 10,000 dollars to replace

last time

 

his thinning body 

because he'd rather spend his weekly

paycheck on alcohol and cigarettes than food

 

just hearing his voice pisses me off

 

his stupid, simpering voice

like all the times he screamed

swear words, words full of hate

my siblings, my mother, and i

all those times can be what?

forgotten?

 

just hearing him say "I love you" makes me want to scream

and throw up

and hit things. 

 

because he never said it before

he never said it when he lived with us

when he had every, literally every opportunity   

he never said it

 

and that stupid card

and those stupid flowers

that he gave me when i graduated 

don't mean a goddamn thing

 

because just two months ago

he said that he looked forward to when i turned 18

so that he no longer would be obligated

to pay child support

 

because obviously being 18 means

i no longer need a father

i no longer need help supporting myself

despite the fact, might i add,

that in two months i'm moving across

the damn country

 

and i'll be alone.

 

but, no, of course i no longer 

need his support,

now that i'm 18 and all

 

and it makes me sad to see him

it makes me sad because i can remember

that he built a garden for me

in the corner of our backyard

with a fence around it so our dog wouldn't dig up 

the vegetables

 

and i remember that he took us to the beach

the day he moved out

and he cried and told us he would

miss us

 

and then i get angry

again

 

because next to those good memories are 

memories that suck

like that time that i got sick in the middle of the night

and i was six years old 

and my mother was bedridden

and he wouldn't get out of bed 

so i had to clean it up 

and find myself a bowl and a towel and some crackers

 

and mom and dad fought

in the room over

because he was

"tired godammit"

and she physically couldn't 

get out of bed

 

and when she finally managed to 

make him get out of bed

he got angry and jerked me around by one arm

and swore at me 

like it was my fault that my stomach revolted 

in the middle of the night

 

i see him now maybe once every few months

and i side-hug him, a tight smile on my face

 

he calls every other week or so

and i never say "i love you" 

even though he says it every time

 

because when i hear him say 

those three stupid words

 

all i can think is

 

you should have said them all those times that i was sick or scared or hurt. you should have said that instead of saying "move!" when we dared cross paths with you or "get away from the tv!" when we dared play near it. you should have said those words every night but instead you were too busy fighting with mom. you should have said them willingly, instead of all those times that mom had to remind you. you should have said those stupid, useless words sincerly instead of brusquely and angrily. you should have told us that you loved us when you had a chance for us to say it back and mean it.

 

but you didn't,

and we don't mean it.

 

i see him,

i hear his voice,

i remember his cruelty

and i think

that i hate my father

that i despise him

and i can't bring myself to care

that that probably makes me a

terrible person.

 

turn the other cheek, right?

 

wrong.