It's Okay


I remember it just like it was yesterday
I recall the look upon your face
shock, surprise, possibly fullfillment.
Even the very words you uttered,
"are you okay?" Unfortunately, this was
not a memory within my life that I wish to cherish let alone remember but hey, it's okay.

Day in and day out I repititously prayed. I
prayed that God would take away my pain;
I prayed that he would wash me, and make me
whole again for I was filthy. I was what Chtistians refer to as a wretch undone. Once again unworthy. I had been broken into pieces smaller than the eye could see. I prayed
that he would detour the vulgar images from my
mind. I prayed that he would heal me, I prayed
that he would forgive me, and I even found myself
every now and then praying that he would open
my heart that one day I too may conquer the
struggle and forgive you.

Shame, betraya, rage, hurt, fear, deserted,
empty. What do I do with such diabolical
emotions that have taken root inside of me?
I glance in the mirror and as hard as I continue
to try, I can't seem to reach the woman staring
back at me. I said no. I said no! God knows I said
no. I cried, I kicked, I screamed, I fought, and yet
in the end you still won.

You became my excuse. You were like sin to me,
as much as I knew that it was bad and I shouldn't
partake in it all because it felt better to subscribe
than to protest I compromised. At one point in timeI hated, I despised, I hoped that you were to have withered some place and died. I hated myself, because of what you did to me. Particularly because, I did everything I knew to do and I still couldn't stop you. I was the heartless one who gave off the perception that I didn't give a .I lost a heck of a lot that day. My dignity, my joy, my unborn fetus evolving inside of me, but most of all I lost me.

from that day on I made a promise to myself it was me against the world, and if I didn't win neither would they. That is until two years later March 20, 2009 at approximately 10am laying in the maternity ward at St.Francis Hospital I gave
birth to the most handsome, joyful, innocent
bundle of joy. When I held his hand and looked into his eyes for the first time, he smiled at me and at that very moment, every bitter concept,every hurtful motion, every painful thought deceased.

Yes I was hurt, mad, I was furious! Sad, confused, embarassed. That was never supposed to happen to me but hey, you live, you learn, you love, you hate, but most of all you remember. Regardless what you face in life, it's okay.


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741