My phone used to ring

At 11:55 PM

Every single night

For some lovely months,

But at this 11:55 PM,

Ringing has ceased

              Because I asked for it to.

At 11:55 PM,

Responsibilities are no more,

And my to-do list is crumpled

In the waste bin.

There are no people to see

Or people to talk to,

And I am alone in my room with nothing

But memories of fluttering conversations

Lucidly spoken yet

As far away as dreams become.

I sit up and refuse to sleep

Because just attempting to

Leads to visions of you,

              Of us before,

And I cannot stand the sight of you

When I was the one insisting on

Never seeing your face again.

I sit up and toss this

              Back and forth

In my busy head

Like yarn between nimble paws,

Like dough in bakers’ hands,

              Back and forth,

              Back and forth,

              Back

              And

              Forth.

Everything seems so silent

And so eerily still while I sit here,

Except warm tears form after a while.

I should not be crying like this,

I should not miss the one who hurt me the most,

              Who loved me the most,

                             Who hurt me the absolute most.

Do not think I will forget your words,

Your icy words that one sunny morning.

It was a Tuesday,

Was it not?

It was a Tuesday morning to feel good about,

A Tuesday full of sunshine,

And it was the kind of sunshine that didn’t just shine,

But it pleaded to dance on human skin.

I felt no dancing rays on my skin.

It pranced around me,

              Avoided me,

And I became blind to the sun

As if a storm possessively hovered

Above me alone.

              Me,

              Alone?

Me,

Alone.

 

Read this once over,

Read this as many times as you desire.

This is my finale,

My final words you may never get to read,

But I have nothing left for you anyway.

In a way,

This is for me

              For once.

After everything I gave

And all that I thought you deserved

To keep for yourself,

You thought you received nothing.

Correct me,

But mind and heart are the only

True truths.

My finale –

Are you ready?

Here it is.

 

Keep to yourself from now on,

And I hope it is as difficult as it is for me,

But no more than the pain I’m swallowing

Because I never meant for this to feel

Like we would be hanging our hearts out

To dry and shrivel in merciless heat,

To disintegrate and leave the air toxic,

              Unbreathably toxic.

Keep away from me

And do not ever talk to me again

Or try to come near me,

But that should not be too hard

Since we have not really met in months.

We identify with "I love you,"

But honestly,

We have forgotten who the other is.

Maybe,

              Just maybe,

I did not know who you were

This entire time

Except that you were the person who said,

"I love you"

At night.

Still,

Let my absence sink into every single pore

As I have wallowed in my loneliness just the same

Swimming in emptiness

And flailing for something to hang onto

But finding nothing.

Realize that we really could have been something,

              We were something,

But it was thrown.

I did not throw this away.

You did not throw this away.

It was thrown,

And that’s that.

Treat the next one better,

And trust her more than you tried to me.

Try this time for her sake,

And let her know that you are okay with her

Sitting with friends she has known

Her whole life,

Letting her feel their presence

Along with yours,

              Not just yours.

Let her know that you are okay with her

Falling asleep when she needs rest

Instead of pulling all-nighter conversations

With you on the other side of her cellphone.

Let her know she is beautiful,

But don’t frighten her by expecting

The same praise for you.

Love her the way that you feel

You should love somebody,

And she will love you the best way

That she is familiar with

And that should be more than enough

For both of you.

God knows,

              Oh,

              God knows,

I tried my best.

My reserves have been exhausted,

And I am all out of love

For both of us.

 

It really is over,

Isn’t it?

              Thank God.

It really is over.

Hold those tears in.

Move on.

 

"It is 12:00 AM now,"

I used to tell you

To see if you knew

That I wanted to go.

Well,

It is 12:00 AM now

With no you to end our call with,

So let me hang up.

It is 12:00 AM now,

But the end can be beautiful,

Too.

              No,

              This is no ending.

This is my new beginning.