five months ago, i had dreams

five months ago, i had plans to live

five months ago, i had hope for a future where i could stand on my own two feet

five months ago, people were my drug

an unending buzz of activity to distract me from my pain

i found safety in crowds, in parties, in friends

five months ago, my world came crashing down

i thought i was unstable before until stability itself shattered

shattered into nonsensical phone calls and emails

into miscommunicated news and theories

they told us it was nothing

we believed them

we believed them until they told us to go home

i believed them until an email left me sobbing on the floor, hopeless and terrified

i trusted them to give me a future until they ripped it away

the fragile life i had been waiting for, the dreams that had pushed me through

gone

friends left without a goodbye

their belongings still in their rooms

fear lurking in every corner

black poisonous shadows on everything they had touched

i thought i knew fear

it had provided cold comfort during my sleepless nights

it held my hand through every decision

it caressed every word that slipped out of my mouth

fear was a companion but never my friend

no, now fear was the empty unknown of a lonely world

fear was walking into my house, not knowing the next time i would leave

fear was surviving four months before i stepped out my door again

i walked into a world unlike the one i left

a world that was only surviving

not living

people were afraid to breathe

afraid to touch

afraid to see

afraid to live

me, i just wanted freedom

i needed people, craved them during the lonely nights and the broken days

thirsted for acceptance and love

i wanted freedom until i realized that it was only an empty shell of the past

being able to only life halfway was more crushing that not living at all

being in public in a crowd of people where no one says a word

where no one can touch or laugh

where you are counted and herded and muzzled and drowning in your own breath

scrubbing your skin raw and burning it with chemicals in the name of safety

look but dont touch

come but dont stay

living in chains, unable to feel the comfort of a simple touch

just a hand reaching out with a heart saying

i understand

im here

im suffering too

but connection has been forbidden, substituted by a blank screen

numbers, letters, code

no comfort

just emptiness

feeling more alone than before, living separated by plastic, by glass, by wire fences

god, this is not life

this is not the life i want

this is not the life that i want to be living

this is not the dream i created to get me through my entire life

i know this invisible enemy is dangerous but you know what is more devastating

what hurts more than disease is the death of a soul

the death of thousands of dreams left in isolation for too long

the quiet shaking of a girl in a crowd, terrified of people who used to be her saviors

the loss of hope 

the broken shells of people whose recovery has been ground under the heel of a boot

blown away in the wind

people who have not only lost their progress but shattered even more

people like me

people like me

and no, this isnt a cry for help because im terrified

no this is a cry of anger

ive lost my friends, ive lost my schedule, ive lost my life

my dreams were stolen, my freedom was stolen

my hope for the future was shattered

i dont know who i am or what i want anymore

the world has changed too much for me to establish a plan

and most of all, im losing my mind

im going crazy and that terrifies me the most because i cant be crazy

i want to live in a way that i cant if i keep breaking

it didnt take my health, it took my soul

and now, this isolation is driving people apart

people are forgetting how to love, how to trust

all they see is different

danger

and im screaming "why cant there be a safe space"

tie me up in the chains of my depression

sink me in the ocean of my tears

drown me in this loneliness until its safe for me to live again

and for the love of god, dont dig me up unless youre ready to heal me