I'm Scared Of...

All my life I’ve been taught one thing 
And that one thing was to be tough 
Ever since I was a tiny human being 
First, bad words and fists. It was never enough. 

Having a childhood in my house was never easy 
Try having a dad come home every day drunk 
My mom and dad argued so bad that fighting came easily 
That was their way of teaching me not to be punk 

Times that my dad didn’t realize he hit us 
His drinking would turn him into a ferocious lion 
Times that my mom didn’t care how she beat us 
One time I was smacked on the face just for lying 

I had all kinds of nightmares as a child 
Monsters and fears are unclear 
I thought they were just dreams gone wild 

I’m older now and I’m mean as ever 
Mom calls me all kinds of b’s and hoes 
I loathe those names and I will forever 
Dad makes me feel ugly from head to toe 

I always carried a chip on my shoulder 
Waiting for someone to knock it off 
I’d snap on the next person even if they’re older 
Everybody was scared to piss me off 

One night I went to sleep and had a dream 
That I haven’t had since early childhood 
I see the little girl run, whose face I’ve never seen 
After my anger exploded with my parents and that wasn’t good 

I asked, “Why are you hiding under the bed?” 
She said, “I’m scared of her” 
Before I awoke she said, “At least I fled” 

My parents yelled over each other and never even talk 
That’s how they always approached their problems 
We’d argue next and you could tell by their walk 
That’s how they solve all of their problems 

When I start running my mouth it doesn’t stop 
No one can get a word out around me 
I make sure to have my voice stay on top 
Problems aren’t solved, but who cares? Not me! 

A different night I had the familiar dream 
I lost my voice yelling at some street girl 
I see the little girl run, whose face I’ve never seen 
After my voice turned mute then I gave my body a twirl 

I asked, “Why are you hiding in the closet?” 
She said, “I’m scared of what she’ll say” 
Before I awoke she said, “At least I hid from it” 

I live in a house where punches and slaps are “pats on the backs” 
Where material things thrown at me become my hugs 
And fighting is entertainment in our little shack 
Where the abuse is enhanced by drinking and drugs 

I stepped on the streets looking for a fight! 
Eventually it became something fun to do 
I fight until the other girl loses her sight 
Victory wasn’t enough. I had to do more than two. 

Another night of sleep with the bizarre dream 
This time I was fighting with my foe in the house 
I see the little girl run, whose face I’ve never seen 
After I hit the girl who went quieter than a mouse 

I asked, “Why are you hiding behind the curtain?” 
She said, “I’m scared of what she might do” 
I told her, “She’s done for and no longer a burden” 

The little girl says, “No! You just don’t understand! 
I’m scared that the anger will come and get me 
And then I’ll be unhappy and that’s not the plan! 
When I grow up I want to live a life that’s happy 

I’m scared that the yelling and bad words will hurt me 
And that I’ll get cuts and wounds that’ll never heal 
Then I’ll become what was spoken over me 
Which will make the true side of me be killed! 

I’m scared that the fighting will make me blind 
It doesn’t solve anything instead of making enemies 
I don’t want to be a bully. I want to stay kind!” 
I ask, “If it’s not my enemies then who’s your archenemy?” 

The little girl, behind the curtain, said, “You. Don’t you see?” 
I pulled back the yellow curtain 
I stared into her face and saw that it was me!


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