"I'm ok"

"But you're so nice" "but you get good grades"
Me being nice doesn't stop me from wanting to kill myself everyday
Me being nice doesn't help make the urge go away to cut into my skin so deep that I'll reach an artery and bleed out in a pool of blood on the bathroom floor
Getting good grades doesn't make the feeling of worthlessness go away
It doesn't stop me from seeing bridges and tall buildings and imagining what it would be like to jump off
Having friends doesn't erase the eternal pit of loneliness I feel
Being skinny doesn't stop me from skipping meal after meal after meal
Until the pain underneath my ribs is unbearable
And I feel so weak I could faint
Laughing doesn't stop the need to be numb
It doesn't stop the need to take pills so I don't feel anymore
Having a good home doesn't stop me from feeling that I don't have a home
Being pretty doesn't stop me from hating what I see in the mirror
Caring about others doesn't make me care about myself
Saying you love me doesn't make me feel it
Doesn't make me understand what that is
Because I've never had it
It doesn't make the drafts of my suicide note leave my thoughts
You may think I seem fine but deep down you know as well I do that's a lie
I pretend to be okay so the questions go away
I act like everything is alright
even though I can't sleep and I can't breathe at night
None of what you see says anything about me
It doesn't say how I feel
It doesn't express how dead I am inside
But no one wants to hear the truth
How my happiness, hope, and faith was torn from the
So when you ask me how I'm doing I lie and say
"I'm ok"

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741