I'm not allowed to be a rape victim.

Mon, 05/03/2021 - 07:41 -- Evaaah

They promised it'd get better.I told them I believed them.It's been 3 or 4 years.And I still don't see a thing.For who am I doing this?This hasn't been worth it.I'm waiting and waiting.I'm not allowed to say I'm not strong enough, I've come all this way.  I was addicted to the pain.Blurred vision, blurred hearing, no sense of reality.Only darkness.I miss fading away.Just surviving. Not trying to find a purpose.Timeless.I'm not allowed to do that anymore. I can't lose anymore years of my life like that. I want to prove you shouldn't give up.But sometimes, I don't know why anymore.Every day is a battle.I see him on top of me every day.I fight depression every day.Silence is my enemy, need to keep myself busy.Can't lose my thoughts for 1 second, or I'm fucked.Every night's a struggle because of the nightmares.I'm too scared to go to bed sometimes.I'm not allowed to call myself a victim, but how do I call myself a survivor when I wish I wasn't, every day? Rape is murder, but they leave your shell.My childhood was taken.My innocence stolen.That day I lost my identity, my body and myself.Only thing left was my ability to fight.I don't know who I am.I don't remember what hapiness is.I can't feel a thing.I was not born to go through this.I'm not allowed to say I'm broken, but then what is this? It's not about the rape anymore, it's about what's left of me.I can live with the trauma's, not with what I've become.It's not my fault it happened. But it's my fault I didnt say it in time so they could 'save' me.It's my fault I can't 'just get over it'.I'm sorry that you don't want to hear it mom. I'm not allowed to tell the truth, but how do I prevent it from happening again then? There are so many ordinary things different for me.Can't date without losing my feelings when they step in the room.Can't be in an uncomfortable place without having the feeling to run away.Can't get touched without freezing and having an alarm in my head.I'm screaming at myself to please JUST F*CKING MOVE, but I can't.When I'm in public, I still smell him. Or I recognize his voice.Then all the memories come back.I'm not allowed to say I'm incapable of normal things, it's because of my past. But I'm sick of it. A few minutes of stress and everything shuts down.I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to punch something. I want to hurt myself. I just want to feel SOMETHING.But those things don't work.I'm not allowed to hurt myself anymore, but then there's only the gruesome reality left. That there is no solution for the pain. I can't go now. I have 1 mission left.He thinks he got away with it.But I'm not quiet anymore.The world needs to know.I won't allow it to happen again.And it's too heavy to carry, but I don't want and I can't share.I'm not allowed to say I'm alone, but I'm the only one who can do this.

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