Bottled up with emotion sadness running deeper than the ocean hatred and love such a thin line between both sometimes it is the cause of maturities lack of growth i love you I do but these situations life throws makes it seem like I hate you feelings so complex forbidding me from being next to you so what is there to do...continue to love you...from a distance sadly enough...this thing called trust messes everything up scarred from past pain i'm afraid to commit unable to answer the questions you seek I restrict...myself bricks get high on this wall of shame this fright and sole isolation makes me wanna cry at night often a battle between happiness and depression the gap is large between the two I just don't know what to do I scream inside my own mind i lost it all i lose myself i can't find...the solution to this problem what am I to do...what am i to do?!...i'm through I pray to God please help your son as far as my perception goes I feel the cold barrel of a gun...i'm a coward i'm so cold and alone DAD! where were you where are you things would be so much different if you were just here if you were there I needed you...my pain runs deep like the depths of my mind my pen is always running the tip burns with smoke...i'm broke...i'm broken...and when people get to joking...saying actions I never enacted it leads to frustrations and anger I can't withhold...assumptions of lies never told these truths I hold near to me honesty is the best policy...the lack of cares flow my way the happiness I reach for ends at the start of my day theres so much I have to say theres so much I can't explain so its erased and placed back in the back of my mind tears help none whatsoever stories told of the pain I hold barely scrapes the surface from the days where I'd hold the blade to my stomach contemplating on cutting all the sickness I felt deep within from this cold world of pain and sin from this brokenness within its a cycle a never ending cycle of rainy days and skies of gray my lack of confidence grows stronger everyday...I do best to refrain from wearing my pain on my sleeves...every time I feel ease it back slides and i'm teased...with a touch of happiness...I just need help...I need God to help me...I can't help myself...I'm just...lost...