Everyday I woke up

With the same emotionless face,

And I said, “I’m fine”.

But here I was at 6 am

I was staring at my ceiling

Counting how many times my fan went in circles.

I didn’t know what to feel.

Something inside told me

"I'll be fine"

But I wasn't for sure if I was.

I didn’t feel terrible,

But I didn’t feel good either.

I felt numb.

I could never express how I felt.

I had no feelings for anything anymore

Everything that once made me excited,

Doesn't even make me smile anymore.

I tried to ignore it,

I think I've been in denial for a while now.

I got out of my bed,

Which took a lot of effort.

I looked in the mirror

And said, “I’m fine”.

I’ve been frustrated because I knew I was lying to myself

I banged my head up against my wall

I wanted to cry

But nothing came out.

I kept saying “I’m fine” over and over and over again..

Deep down I knew that I was only making it worse,

But I was to the point where I didn't care anymore.

The school bus came and I got on the bus

I started to fake a smile

And it was easier than I thought it’d be,

But something felt missing.

The introvert girl who never said a word,

Never wanted to talk to someone so much

Just to prove to myself that I was fine.

After class my teacher pulled me aside

And asked me, “How are you?”

So many things were rushing through my mind.

I held in my tears as much as I could

I said what everyone wanted to hear.

So as my hands were shaking insanely

I said, “I’m fine.”.

I knew it was wrong to lie

But it was better than to explain

What was wrong with me.

So when I got home

I threw my bag down, turned on my music, and shut my door

I then slid down against the wall.

That’s when the tears came flowing out.

Finally I could be honest with myself.

So I stood up and looked in the mirror.

I didn’t like what I saw.

But that was when I finally said

“I’m not fine.”