Every once and awhile the thought of “how did I end up here?” will dance across my mind and fall into the deepest depths of my brain. Empty streets, quiet grocery isles, and around 4 o'clock in the morning are always prime times and places for my mind to wander off and search for answers for the perpetual questions that haunt my mind. I spent all 365 days of 2016 pining for the same guy over and over.
We met at dawn on the first day of the new year. We loved hard and fast and fell deeply into each other until our souls intertwined and became one. I loved him more than anything in the entire world; until he left for college.
He never gave me a final explanation, he just blocked me on all social media until i was wiped clean from his mind. While he spent his days scrubbing me away I spent mine filling myself with filth, questioning myself as to what I did wrong, and why he left me. I blamed myself for him leaving and it broke me down mentally. I spent my days staring out my classroom windows, harming my education until I saw him again.
Just as the year before, we saw each other at the dusk of the new year, on the same dance floor, and he was with his new girlfriend. I then realized how ignorant I had been acting. I spent a year obsessing over someone who had been falling in love all over again with someone new and I let myself fall so deeply into this idea that he would always love me that I forgot to love myself too. All of the hours I spent crying alone in my room, listening to sad songs that defined me, I realized were all for nothing. He let me believe that there was something wrong with me, and that my world was going to end because of him and I wish I knew then that nothing would change between us. Nothing had changed over my year, I still wanted to work in the United Nations, I still loved the smell of rain and the feeling of being alive and free, but I distracted myself from all these things for a guy.
I then knew what people meant when they say “it’s okay to be selfish sometimes” because I had been placing him in front of my own personal needs and wants. Every once and awhile he crosses my mind and I wonder how he is, even though he still won’t talk to me, but I am okay now. I love myself first, I put my education first, and I am glad he put me through this stressful journey. Without him, I would have never learned that I am allowed to be happy by myself, or that no matter what happens, life still proceeds on, the earth still spins, and we all still learn to love again- even if it's ourselves we are learning to love.