I want to take a trip and not come back and go to a bookstore or a coffee shop and give myself some public alone time.

 

Maybe I'll hike upon a hill and scream out my fears

Maybe I'll find you in an old place searching for what was lost, but was never yours in the first place

Maybe I'll take a plane to a new land and not even think about looking back

Maybe I'll find some feeling in this world of apathy and indifference.

 

Because you know, darling, we are not estranged. We are happily engaged in this world of indifference and never will there be anything different in our marriage. How ever you view it is far from me, but I guess that's all I can ask for, indeed. An open can loses its hype fairly quickly, even if you try to preserve it. We tried and tried and then... we stopped. So abruptly that it surprised even me, a predictor of all sorts who knows exactly when time has ran out and a new clock begins ticking. The wall was thick between us, but invisible so we didn't even see it, only through it. I can't say that the ending was beneath us or not anywhere near us... but still, I thought we had time.

 

Time to use, time to think, time to wonder, time to hope.

 

No.

 

There was too much wondering; too much hoping. Hope is an awful idea don't you think? We dwell on some other future and we try to get our wishes granted every night when we go on our knees for the gods. These maybes, these wishes, they are worth nothing. But they are worth noting in that diary in your mind. They are closely connected and in a closet are they confined. Restricted. Deprived of the drops of hope you told them they'd get. You gave them faith and they live on hope; oh, what a lie you have caused. Or should I say, I've caused.

 

But no matter.

 

All has been done and there is nothing to take back. Give me the pleasure of looking you in the eyes when we walk by like the strangers we have become. Don't smile, don't speak, don't do a damn thing but look at me. Look into my eyes and try to guess what I'm thinking; try to guess what's happening in my life; try to guess if you still remain a factor in my equations. If you happen to do this, the answer would be yes and no.

 

I will not be a pawn in an unfair mind game. I will not be hooked on an idea without a backbone. And I certainly will not be tricked to dive into an ocean that is only a huge abyss.

 

But you're still there, as almost everybody is. And I don't really mind because you've slowly made your way to the back and I knew it was going to happen anyways.

 

(It's funny how I always know but hope for a different outcome. Doesn't that make me crazy?)

So no, you're not a factor in my equation, but a variable in an expression and since expressions aren't to be solved, you just sit there, in the back, as finite as ever.

 

Funny how this wasn't even about you in the first place but it ended up being so. I think you'd be apathetic to this, too.