If I have a baby boy- then I guess he'll call me dad, which is a lot, since thats something I never got to call my biological father. I hope he'll call me dad, because that's what I call Steve, and he's the best god damn dad he never had to be. So if I have a baby boy, I'm gonna teach him how to play ball, which means I'm gonna have to teach me to play ball. And I'm gonna teach him to read. I'm gonna teach those little eyes to follow the words inside his mind and read them aloud and then read them inside and then read them aloud all over again so that he will never forget where the wild things are. And I'm gonna teach him to be kind. I'll show him that everyone's different, and that its ok to cry I'm gonna be there to support him if he's ever bullied. I'm not gonna let him go through what i did. But god save him if he ever bullies someone else, because not only will he learn the vengeance of a belt and the silent treatment all at once, but he will learn to write, over and over, "I am sorry I'm a bully, I am sorry I'm a bully, I am sorry I'm a bully" until that child will NEVER hurt another living thing again. I'm gonna teach him all his swear words early, so he knows what they mean, and how they can make people feel, that way he never thinks its ok to use those words towards anyone, and I'm gonna teach him to stand up for the innocent. If he sees someone being bullied, he will not only befriend them, but he will defend them and hit that bully dead between the eyes and LET ME TAKE HEAT FOR IT. But also, he will learn to stay his temper and assuage his fists until someone else starts the fight. Im gonna teach him how to use his words and gonna show him how to be an orator because your voice will get you far in this, so long as you speak every word with the conviction that bespeaks the determination with which you feel it.

But mostly, I'm gonna teach him how to smile in the sun light, grin when it's cloudy, and catch drops in his mouth every single time it rains, because while the religious are searching for where they go after they die, me and my baby boy will be looking for reasons to just enjoy being alive