I Remember

Today I bought a dozen roses

half of them occupy a space on my kitchen table

They sit in the same vase as last year's roses.

The other half dozen I placed in front of the stone that marks your existence

Among a sea of stones in the cemetery.

Every year the same day rolls over the horizon and crushes me as I

Stop by the flower shop on my way to visit your grave.

I remember your funeral and how everyone stood under the sun to mutter farewell’s

Many felt obligated to talk about you and drag up dusty memories

So everyone would think that they actually knew you.

Though all those stories about you were ancient, worn with time

And lacking the presence of the you I wish they had taken a moment to meet.

Today is the anniversary of when you decided to wander too close to the edge,

You thought you could fly but reality is cruel

Gravity crushed your wings and pushed you back to the ground

Far too fast.

Yesterday I remembered your voice

And all the scars that trespassed on your wrists

they were aged and fading.

Those final months you had talked about the future

Circling cities on maps and googling plane tickets

Visiting the library to read about cultures and celebrations that you wanted to see.

The last few weeks you told me your family was fighting again

While you wore a long sleeve shirt in summer.

Your hair was tied back in a sloppy manner, and the circles under your eyes

Told me about your sleepless nights.

Your untied shoes told me how you ran out the door in such a hurry to escape.

The thing was I knew you were falling a thousand miles a second

I knew I couldn’t catch you or slow your fall.

Today I understand you were drowning in all your fears

Your desperation to escape this town ignited your fear of staying every night

Only making the waters ruffer and the sea more determined to drown you, because no one else noticed you were barely able to catch your breath.

I was told time was going to fix this pain

That after a while this hurting will dull.

Today there is an extra chair at the kitchen table no one sits in

A untouched pair of shoes by the front door

Backwards picture frames in the hallway.

In the house is a silence I can’t quite understand

 

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