I Don't Love You

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I don’t love you. I don’t know how I get fooled into thinking I do. I’ve got too many issues with myself to be able to love anyone else, especially you. I can’t love someone like you. You can’t love someone like me. I’ve realized now that even if you did confess your love to me it wouldn’t change anything between us, it wouldn’t change us. 

I’ve got too much venom behind my lips and I still don’t know why you want to kiss them. They’ve poisoned you, maybe. Maybe you were always meant to fall for the girl who paralyzes you. I break you down. You break me down. Neither one of us has enough will, we have too much life left to live to tie each other down. I don’t want you around- I can’t be trusted not to bring weapons with me, I can’t be trusted. 

I can’t be trusted to let my guard down. I can’t be the one you love because I hate myself too much to ever let anyone in. I wanted your love once long ago, now I know that it means nothing to be loved by you. Nothing changes when I’m loved by you- I’m just the same girl, I’m a worse girl. Dickinsonian in my methods, why don’t they just leave me alone. I want to be left alone. 

You are so fragile, you don’t want anyone to know. Well, what about me? I’m so selfish and self-absorbed. But so are you. We can’t be alone together, not anymore. We’ve ruined each other but like James Bond, you’ll be off to saving the world and I’ll be the girl at the desk. Penny, was it? I’ll be here waiting, I’ve got nothing better to do, right? I hate the way you talk to me, I hate the way you laugh when I say I’m going to kill you and I hate the silence you exude when I make a joke. I’m never good enough and you are the one everyone loves, maybe. 

We’re not perfect I know, but you always say the wrong thing at the wrong time and I’m left scuttling, trying to pick up the pieces of myself, because I let you unravel me. I let go and I fire back at you and it backfires on me. The guilt it not only washes over me, it drowns me because I used to care about you a lot. You used to be the only one, now there’s no one. Now it’s glaringly obvious that you and I are volatile and not in the good way, you and I are bound to go down and not in the good way, you and I are bound to explode. There’s no saving us now, there’s not going to be an SOS because we love our distress.re)

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