I can't breathe

I let my breath go
Please don’t let me be a statistic
I cry into my mothers arms, the first time I told her of my abuse.
I refuse.
I will not let someone else feel what I have felt.
They shouldn’t have to understand what it’s like.
But still, I feel the desire inside of me
A desire so repulsive that I won’t even say it out loud.
I hold my breath
I hate it
I hate that I can’t be touched
I can’t even hug someone without feeling like I might throw-up.
I hate that I can’t sleep alone in the dark.
“You’re still afraid of the dark?” “Aren’t you a little old for that?” “Nothing is going to hurt you”
That won’t stop the nightmares
The memories that won’t ever go to rest.
It won’t stop him
He makes appearances through-out the night.
He’s hiding in my closet, outside my door.
I know he’s not there but still I can’t sleep. 
I can hardly even breathe.
There isn’t a lot that I remember
I won’t say I wish I could
Missing pieces, blank pages, things that don’t make sense
And now I’m left in tatters, cracked, alone and afraid.
Scars that you can’t see, hurt I try to hide.
No one seems to notice.
Just like I wanted.
No one hears my cries at night
I don’t need help, I’ll do this on my own,
Isn’t this what I wanted?
This wasn’t what I thought it’d be
I was supposed to be normal
My family was supposed to be normal
But it’s not, I’m not.
And I still can’t breathe.

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