i cannot lie to myself

Tue, 07/03/2018 - 20:45 -- aml2003

i cannot lie to myself one more time

i cannot tell myself that the sunshine is almost here

when a storm darker than the one raging above me 

already lurks like an inky monster on my horizons

for too long i've whispered to myself

that i am healed and i have survived

when still every night the voices of my inner demons

speak louder than those of my saving graces

old habits, like hands soaked in black tar

stick in my mind and pull me down 

until the surface seems just too far to reach

my throat is raw from the screaming for help

my skin has been painted by rivers thick with blood

left from wandering down the dangerous roads of my past

when i'm only searching for a way out of 

the madness i'm condemned to exist in

how many more times can i go down these paths

before they become the end of the line?

how many more nights can i stand my painful memories

playing in my brain like a television special i'm forced to watch on repeat?

how many more days can i give myself a reason not to give up on myself?

the answer i wish i could give is

hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands

i wish that i knew i could fight all of these battles and still win the war

but the only one i can tell you honestly

is however many i can take

because i have not the endurance and bravery of a general

but only the rusty sword and cracked shield

of a soldier who has put it all on the field

so i can just promise to keep going

until my shield splinters 

my sword shatters

and i have no fight left in me

 

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