i cannot lie to myself
i cannot lie to myself one more time
i cannot tell myself that the sunshine is almost here
when a storm darker than the one raging above me
already lurks like an inky monster on my horizons
for too long i've whispered to myself
that i am healed and i have survived
when still every night the voices of my inner demons
speak louder than those of my saving graces
old habits, like hands soaked in black tar
stick in my mind and pull me down
until the surface seems just too far to reach
my throat is raw from the screaming for help
my skin has been painted by rivers thick with blood
left from wandering down the dangerous roads of my past
when i'm only searching for a way out of
the madness i'm condemned to exist in
how many more times can i go down these paths
before they become the end of the line?
how many more nights can i stand my painful memories
playing in my brain like a television special i'm forced to watch on repeat?
how many more days can i give myself a reason not to give up on myself?
the answer i wish i could give is
hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands
i wish that i knew i could fight all of these battles and still win the war
but the only one i can tell you honestly
is however many i can take
because i have not the endurance and bravery of a general
but only the rusty sword and cracked shield
of a soldier who has put it all on the field
so i can just promise to keep going
until my shield splinters
my sword shatters
and i have no fight left in me