Got red hair.

Feel like that’s what people notice about me first.

Not my eyes, my smile,

My hair.

I was born Oct 4th 1998

I was born into a good family

by good I mean dangling by a string

I was the string

After watching a religious session on tv 

and being inspired with the words of the speakers

My Grandma said

Maybe she’ll be a prophet.

prophet

P-R-O-P-H-E-T

noun person, thing that predicts the future

My dad held me that night

Fell in love he says

My mother smiled

I was 3

They split up

After living with abuse

she finally took me when he said

After I kill you, I’ll run away with her

And the funny thing is

She wasn’t worried about her death

She was worried about me

Took me away

left him in misery

left him in his disorder

Bipolar and porn.

she left him 

but not really

let him see me

gave him some control

some control to destroy

But it wasn’t like that at first

He got Labor days, father’s days

He got alternating thanksgivings and christmases

He got every other weekend

He’d take me places

buy me things

We’d watch Kim Possible: the movie

over and over

again and again

until we were sick 

sick of the dizzying heroism 

sick of fruity pebbles

My mom remarried

To a guy I called pop

Sometimes I wonder why he got that name

Didn’t want to be called my dad I guess

That was ok.

I didn’t want that either.

Met his kids

They became my family before he did

We moved

Saw less of my dad

Went to Las Vegas

1st grade

Lived in the ghetto

got my bike stolen

my teacher went missing

Made friends with a boy named Jeremiah

Troubled kid

lotta violence

lotta pain

But we became friends

I saw something in him that people didn’t

He would give me little gifts

A little necklace

a thing of fun dip

Anything he stole of course

I didn’t know

Didn’t know his disparity

Didn’t know his poverty

Not a troubled kid

Sad one

Jeremiah

J-E-R-E-M-I-A-H

prophet

scholars refer to him as "the weeping prophet”

Threw into jail later in life

Branded

False prophet

Sent to death

Disappeared

I never saw him again

Moved that summer

Was back in Utah

Met my Grandma Bishop

Cuddled and read

Mother Goose

M-O-T-H-E-R-G-O-O-S-E

noun the fictitious creator of a collection of nursery rhymes that was first published in London in the 1760s.

She coughed up blood

Was too sick to read

But we did

We read

Mother Goose

She passed away

Could’ve sworn I saw her soul

Could’ve sworn I saw her light

Leave her body

Could’ve sworn

Mother f...Goose

Was baptized at 8

Met her

Met my dad’s fiancee

Big boobs

Thick eyeliner

Everything he wanted

Was excited

New mom means more christmas gifts

No but a new friend

a girl she used to babysit

Mackie

A year or two older

Had a sleepover

She touched me

Molested me

Paralyzed me

That’s all

Took a while

Took a lot of sleepovers

Took a lot of summers

To tell

To confess

Cried when I did

Sang I am Child of God

over and over

again and again

until I got sick

sick of God

sick of myself

My Pop and Mom

Now with two little ones

Racer and Jet

Probably named after how fast my mom was popping out kids

We moved to Saudi Arabia

Finally made some friends

That summer my dad told me the truth

Didn’t believe in the church anymore

I was crushed

He started drinking all the time

used alcoholism as medicine

he called me names

things like fat and ugly

started to believe him

Started thinking I was nothing

Started thinking that I was a zero

zero

Z-E-R-O

noun naught; nothing or the lowest point or degree

People tried to make me feel like I wasn’t

But I knew my times tables

I knew

one times zero is zero

so is two times zero

so is a billion times zero

No one could make me happy

But I had C’s in math

I thought maybe boys would

maybe boys could

Make me happy

Maybe Brad would

Fifth grade went by

He didn’t care

but I learned cursive

and how hot air balloons worked

Sixth Grade went by

He called me awkward

but I started drama 

got involved in an improv troupe

Seventh grade went by

and he...doesn’t matter anymore

Started wearing thick eyeliner and leggings

Got a boyfriend in 8th grade

Mateo Grajales

He rolled the R in my name

the way I heard he rolled in bed

I didn’t want it

Didn’t want his so called “love”

He understood

Then drugs

He misunderstood

hit me that day and it felt deserved

felt right

my friends told the principal

and I denied everything

He rolled around with someone else

I left

Met someone new

Met Cole in cross country

Coach told me I wasn’t my race weight

I was determined to get there

Got there

and got into a lotta other things too

Got into drama

Got into kissing

Got into trouble

Lost my parents trust

Lost my boyfriend

Lost my mind

Lost the weight

Too weak to run

too weak to say no

Said yes

Rolled around with a boy

Skipped class

But still kept the 4.0

Left him after the strawberry days fair

He was walking around with another girl

Left him after the strawberry days fair

running

screaming

crying

not weak anymore

met a boy with a funny name

Ethan Cougar Brown

July 4th

we danced under the fireworks

he kissed me under the fireworks 

It was a dream

dream

D-R-E-A-M

noun something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence.

He made me realize that I gotta lot of dreams

I dream of a family

I dream of happiness

I dream of a fucking future

anything more than the early grave I had

The shallow grave

He saw all of me

More than I have ever seen of myself

and gave me a chance

gave me courage to get better

gave me strength

to stay in a hospital for 5 months

to get help

to let myself be weak

So yeah.

That’s me

Reilly

R-E-I-L-L-Y

Noun a redheaded, friend of a prophet, reader of mother goose, who feels like a zero, but is really a dreamer.

And that’s how I want you to see me

That’s how I want you to notice me.