I am

 

I am a paradox. I am lazy yet I am ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. I can’t figure myself out, and there’s no way anyone else can.

 

I wonder if Jesus suffers more from our indifference than he did from the crucifixion. I wonder if it will always be hard for me to talk about how I feel. Will I ever be able to trust without needing to talk myself into it for three weeks before I start believing it?

 

I hear the world crackling as it slowly crumbles before our eyes. I hear the people crying as everyone they know and love dies around them.

 

I see parents throwing away their children for a high that won’t last but five minutes. I see young girls dedicating their lives to raising their baby. I see boys being men, and men being boys. I see the world spinning with all of us inside it. I see you, I see me.

 

I want peace on earth and equality. I want to do more than just pay bills and die. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad.

 

I am a paradox.

 

I pretend I understand, when I really don’t. I pretend I know why people make the cruel decisions in life that they do, when inside, I’m asking myself what kind of person would do such a thing.

 

I feel the stream of the river as I dip my fingers in the water. Feeling how cold, calm, and pure it is. It reminds me that not everything on this planet is rotten. I feel the cool air brushing against my cheeks, sending goosebumps up my arms. I feel the rain pitter-pattering on my shoulders, giving me chills.

 

I touch the warm blades of grass as I lay in the field looking up at every constellation, looking back down on me. I touch the petals of all the flowers I can find, touching the smoothness of each one.

 

I worry too much. I worry so much it’s unhealthy. I worry so much, that I worry it’s going to make me go crazy. I know that worrying is just a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It just messes with your mind and steals your happiness. But I worry, that if I don’t worry, I will be fooled by things I could’ve prevented if I did worry.

 

I cry because I am young, and on my own. I cry tears that are bitter, and warm. I cry when I am angry, but never when I am sad.  I cry a river, I cry a lake, but never cry for the same reasons twice. I cry, not because I am weak, but because I’ve been strong for too long.

 

I am a paradox.

 

I understand what you are going through. I understand that the world gets worse and worse everyday, when all we say we want to do is make it better. I understand that no one knows what they really want. I understand that we’re all different, but I also understand that we’re all the same.

 

I say dreams can come true. I say nothing can stand in your way. I say I hate you, when I really mean I love you.

 

I dream of traveling the world before my time is up. I dream of making the world around me a better place. I dream that one day, all the chaos will be gone.

 

I try to do the best that I can. I try to help when I can. I try to make this poem decent, I try to keep writing. I try to keep a smile on my face.

 

I hope one day you give your heart to someone. I hope one day you wake up and have something or someone to live for. I hope one day you can go to bed without a worry in the world. I hope you’re doing okay. I hope this poem pleases you.

 

I am a paradox.