Honestly,

I miss you. I miss the four of us staying the night at my house and talking because thats all we ever had to do to have fun. God why did i screw everything up? You know, when people ask me what happened to us, i usually lie and say that it was all on you. But it was me. Thank you for keeping that secret by the way. I think i would have hurt more at the time to be reminded everyday what i gave up on. And i really gave up on a lot. I gave up on being happy, and being loved, and being free. At the time, i thought it was for the best you know? That i needed time and space to figure out what I wanted. But it wasn’t ever what i wanted, it was what i needed. and that was you. i needed you by me, to hold and to help me, when i cried and when i couldn’t place myself in this world. Did you know that i needed you? i dont think you did, cause if that was the case, you wouldn’t have let me walk away. i like to think that you’d grab my arm and you’d pull me into a hug and you’d say that i can get through this, that is only an anthill. That with time the wind will blow it away and it would just be left with a grain of sand. i hate thinking of you like this. so strong and so brave. i hate thinking that you’re a good person. because i want to hate you with everything in me. i want to not miss you. and i hate that i do. but i do, i miss you so much. 

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