The first time I hold her hand, I’m nervous

I’m desperately holding onto the reality

It doesn’t feel like reality

It feels like a dream

Her lips so soft and so hesitant on mine

It had felt so natural, so easy, so right

It’s only then, when I had my hand clasped in hers

The insecurities sink into my mind

Had it felt the same to her?
Could she tell it was my first kiss?

She couldn’t have hated it, since she didn’t stop

Right?
What if she was just being nice?
Didn’t want to hurt my feelings

That seems like her

Something in her grip of my hand sets me at ease

She likes me

It’s like my dreams, only better

I never want to let go of her hand

 

The tenth time I hold her hand, it’s an act of defiance

I see the eyes and I’m scared

Will she decided that her children shouldn’t see us?

Will he whistle and encourage us to kiss?

It would be easier if I just took my hand from hers

If we just kept this innocent act of intimacy to ourselves

If everyone saw us as only friends

But yet I hold tight

The comfort I feel

The ease that overcomes me

The emotions that exist when I hold her hand

Everything overpowers my fear

Despite all the worst case scenarios

All the headlines

All the hate crimes that flood my brain

I feel the safest when her hand is in mine

I never want to let go of her hand

 

The hundredth time I hold her hand, I barely notice

She still brings me calm, comfort, and ease

But it’s second nature now

It’s more than that

Worst case scenarios still tug at my brain

But you know what they say

Love conquers all

I love her more than anything

I love her more than I knew was possible

More than I thought myself capable of

Holding her hand is just as it was the first time

But it’s more

It’s somewhat inexplicable

It’s so warm

It’s so soft

It’s so safe

I never want to let go of her hand

 

I imagine the last time I’ll hold her hand

Grim as it is

Cliche as it is

I imagine years from now when we’re old and grey

I imagine holding tight onto her perfectly wrinkled old hand

As she takes her last breath on this earth

As she leaves me for the Kingdom of Heaven

As she goes home to the good Lord.

I pray He takes me soon 

I don’t want to be long without her hand

We did that in our youth for a year

I never wanted to let go of her hand

So I never did