To Her

I wish I could say “I hate you.”

I wish I could say “I love you.”

I wish for these two things,

And they tear me apart;

One leading down a path of no return

One keeping my life at a standstill—

Stagnant and unchanging.

“I hate you” is the hardest for me to say

Because I really do love you.

“I love you” is the easiest for me to say

Because hating you hurts so much.

I wish I could say, “I forgive you.”

Forgiveness is easy

But forgetting is harder.

If I could, I would forget

Everything you did

Everything you said

The words you shouted

That question you asked

The biting remarks about my looks

The disdain for my feelings—

Or was it just ignorance?

Were you blind to how I felt?

Are you incapable of feeling empathy?

Either way, “I forgive you”

Ends in the same place as “I love you”—

Right back to the beginning

No change

No improvement

No nothing.

What should I say?

What should I tell you?

I fear losing you

But you’ve hurt me so much

I fear you as well.

I miss our life together

But I don’t miss the pain

Of being with you.

Should I say anything?

I could just walk away

Leave you behind

And go live my life

The way I want to.

But if family isn’t everything,

What is?

My happiness

My hopes, my dreams

My safety, above all else.

Leaving you could be so easy,

But it feels so hard.

“I love you.”

I’ll wait

“I hate you.”

Until I can choose

“I forgive you.”

What I should say.

I keep on trying

To get through to you.

I keep on trying

To figure out

How I really feel.

Because family isn’t everything,

But it’s important to me,

Even if the people I love

Hurt me the most.

I gave you and Him—

The one you protect

The one you chose over me—

I gave both of you my love

My childish trust,

And you both dashed it to pieces

Tore it apart

Smashed it

Crashed it into the ground,

And now I’m not around

To tell you good morning

And eat meals with you

And live with you

Like I used to.

Our lives will never be the same.

I feel like I’m insane,

Constantly questioning the truth

And what I’m supposed to do

Because I just don’t know

Where to go

How to live

After suffering this blow.

Please, someone, tell me what to do.

Should I continue to try and break through to you,

Or should I rise up

And fight to find my light

To shine on my path

Through this treacherous life.


This poem is about: 
My family


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