Broken

That’s what they call it

As if it were a bone

Or a toy to be played with

Disposable

As if my heart weren’t a muscle

But I don’t feel broken

I feel whole

Fully and completely lost

There is not a single part of me

That does not yearn for your touch

That does not feel this longing

This emotion that is too big

Too painfully empty

Too endlessly dark and lamented

To be explained in a poem

Those who say the opposite of love is hate

Have never experienced a feeling quite like this.

Because I know

I know that I will always love you

No matter how much it hurts

But I’m not broken

Maybe shattered?

But even then, the pieces are held together

Perhaps out of pure denial

They say it’s better to have loved and lost

Then never to have loved at all

But they never knew loss could feel this utterly indescribable

This isn’t death

This is worse than death

This is the finality of a last breath

With the searing pain of losing yourself

of learning you weren’t good enough

And that you never could be

I wrote you poems that I never read to you

I learned songs that I would’ve sang to you

And all my friend’s said I was too good for you

But I still don’t believe it

And if I could write down all my love for you I’d delete it

Like a poem I never got quite right

This love feels like a poison

A psychedelic drug

Changing my perception of myself

And my friends

And the world

As if you ever gave a damn about it

Or me

And I wish I could be angry

Or jealous

Or vengeful

Or anything at all

But the truth is I’m not

I’m just trying to breathe again

Trying to do the things I used to

And not cry

And not think about you

Or talk about you

And the plans we made that you never intended to keep

And love is a bitter taste in my mouth

A faint reminder of a fruit not yet ripe

And I thought if I looked hard enough I could find it faster

Accelerate the process

But I failed to pass go

Love wasn’t in the car, or the forest, or the hotel rooms.

Love wasn’t hiding in my coat pocket

or behind the couch where you left your wine

Love was a thief in the doorway

Taking anything it could get away with

No mercy or empathy or regret

Love

Is a mystery to me

And I’ve come to believe it was to you too

A ghostly whisper you shrugged away

A tidal wave disguised as a ripple

But it’s crazy to me

It’s crazy

How I could spend every single day

Every single hour thinking about you

And all the things I’ve missed

Wondering if you even notice I’m gone

Because you’re not broken either

You just don’t feel like this