Having A Revelation

Hearing God talk to you through your own thoughts is always interesting. You have an understanding that it's not your words, even though they sound like you and appear the same way on the TelePrompter of your mind like any other pieces of sensory information that ambush your consciousness daily. Except with these thoughts there's this feeling of revelation that comes from outside of yourself, even though it's happening inside your mind.

 

I had one of these moments Friday morning. My first class was cancelled which meant an extra hour in bed. An extra hour I'd planned to take full advantage of by sleeping but for some reason God woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep. I just lay in my bed staring at my ceiling. Random thoughts, images and ideas rushing around my head. None of them really being acknowledged, until I started thinking about the piece I had to finish writing and memorise by Wednesday. 

Multiple anxiety inducing questions swarmed my mind, until one particular one stuck.

"Why do you get so scared of performing?"

I paused. 

This was probably the first time my mind had been truly still in a while.

 

My first instinct was to reply "I don't know" to this question that had been asked of me by this little voice in my head. But as immediately as my uncertainty had appeared, His surety took its place. Suddenly I was made aware of my reality, that I wasn't scared. Nervous sure, but that's normal, natural even. I dream day and night about sharing myself through well placed words and sincere emotions. I watch myself touch others with the sound of my voice. I hear their contemplation, I taste their appreciation. So I know that I'm not scared of performing on stage. That is not what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of the power and responsibility I hold when on the stage. I'm afraid of the potential influence I hold over my audience because there's power in the tongue. There's power in my tongue, and in my thoughts, and in my words. By His words was our whole universe created and by ours was He crucified. So you can see that words are powerful. They can be used to either create or destroy. So yes, I am afraid. I am afraid that my words will destroy me by illuminating my transparency, exposing the darkest, saddest parts of me and that people will look at me differently. Rejecting the very parts of me that make me who I truly am. I'm afraid that I am unworthy to call myself a poet and even be on a stage. 

But most of all, what scares me the most is not other people and what they may have to say about me. Or even not being good enough. It's what if I am good enough. What if I am great? I'm terrified of being the greatest I know deep down I can be. My potential so intimidating that I sabotage myself before it can come to fruition. Because in the end our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

 

So I realised that the real questions God was trying to get me to ask myself were not when I was going to finish writing my piece, or what I was going to write or even why I'm scared of performing but if I am ready. If I am responsible enough to wield that kind of power and influence? If I'm bold enough to let my light shine and allow my self-expression to be beheld by others despite how uncomfortable it may make me feel sometimes? Despite what people may say. Am I ready to be stretched beyond my limits? Am I ready to embrace my greatness? 

And after laying in that bed, staring at my ceiling, with all those thoughts swirling around my head I came to the conclusion that my answer is yes. 

 

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741