If I hadn’t listened

If I hadn’t had faith

If I hadn’t changed

I would believe you

 

Once upon a time, I too believed all people meant well

That happiness could be found in any situation

If one were to look for it…

 

I believed that his words were full of truth

Just because I had no reason not to

We were happy because I believed

We were happy because I was deceived

 

In the beginning, my hair

Short and elegant

Was my favorite feature

He even told me

That it suited my personality

“Bubbly and petite”

 

Months had passed, and he wanted a change

“My parents are traditional”

So I followed

And my hair hang

 

It was only hair

It didn’t define me

A small sacrifice

In the name of spoken love

 

Then it was

“What a useless skill”

“Art has no place in the real world”

And I was off

To a school of robots

 

“Money is the game”

“A game you must play smart”

I guess I could see

I had said

This is what we both want

 

Boxes of dreams lied in the shed

Miles high of “wasted time”

Seas of “perishable ideas”

He made feel as if my eyes were open

He had painted a fantasy world

On the hands that blinded me

 

“Our life can be better”

Though I was never enough

Better would never come

 

The first time

The night it began

He walked to me as I was in the door

Blue paint on my jeans

I reached in for a kiss

He reached in for my hair

 

Red

Black

And Blue

I would never get the stains out

People might misunderstand if they saw

I became an expert makeup artist

A clown

 

“You should be thinking about our future”

“No time to fool around with useless hobbies”

“You’re being selfish”

“Everything I do is for us”

 

He had me thinking he was taking care of us

That what he was doing was healthy

And that I was holding us back

That I was the one that was cruel

 

“I do this..

because I love you”

He knew those were the words that would fool me

“Because I love you”

I force you to style your hair in a way you dislike

“Because I love you”

I strip you of the very thing you love most

“Because I love you”

I destroy everything you want in life

I make you feel as if you will never please me

And strike you for disobeying my wishes

 

Because I loved him…

I willingly accepted

 

So when I run from your affection

When I cower in your good spirit

When I turn away from your welcoming hand

It’s because I have been face-to-face with the master of disguise

 

A man who had precise movements

Exact words

To hold me under his spell

To have me live under his control

To be his puppet

 

And his magic words have tainted my image of true love

 

So when you hold me when I cry

When you encourage my dreams and passions

When you respect my personal space

When you tell me repeatedly that you will never leave me despite my flaws

And when I ask why…

 

I am haunted by the conflicted meaning of the words

“Because I love you…”