Hallowed Corpses and mutters

All this pain from yesterday

 

I feel so alone

At home

With only the bottle as my friend

And again, replaced empty spaces with delusions of happiness

 

I sit here crying

I feel like I'm dying

I'm so sick

So sick of me

 

My heart has been broken

For a bit now

I feel unsure

Of myself

 

How can I love

When I don't have any of my heart left to give?

 

I'm so alone

I just need someone to hold me

And tell me

They want me

 

I'm so alone

But I don't want anyone to touch me

Or tell me

They want me

 

I'm a contradictary disease

Twisted flesh of regret

 

I want to be wanted

But I don't want to be wanted

I want to love, to be loved

But I can't handle it, it terrifies me

 

I feel...

So hollow

And empty

I don't know how to survive

 

I never have been very good at being happy

My negativity overflowing

Drowning me like it's a game

 

At least...

I got to experience love

And still do

 

So much...

It kills me inside

 

I put on my best smile

But, underneath I'm broken

 

I can't have anyone too close

It's too dangerous

Everyone will die or leave

 

I feel like a walking corpse

The traces of beauty overgrown with filth and decay

I don't know if I can take this much more

I'm drunk and lonely

I just need someone to hold me

 

I don't want to be alone

I don't want to be with anyone

I don't know what I want

 

I'm so confused

I want something and once I have it, I don't

I don't want to feel this way

This frayed

 

I fill in the empty gaps with emotionless sex

and alcohol and drugs

Anything to dumb my brain

No one will ever understand

I don't even understand

 

You fettered hands caress me

I feel alive

My skin is on fire

You want me

You kiss me

You fuck me

You fill the emptiness within me

 

I breath out

Before I break down

Smoke another cig and think..

 

This cannot be it.

There must be so much more.

Than this sadness

 

I feel...

Like I don't want to live

But I cannot die

I've tried and tried

Each time I don't die

I wonder why...

 

Is there something else?

To take away my doubt

About

This empty parking lot of my existence

 

I just hold my self and cry

Maybe I should stop drinking

I wish I could stop thinking

 

I wish I wasn't so fucking alone

I wish I could turn myself around and not care

 

But I do...

I care too much...

About everyone's pain

and my own

 

I feel dead inside

There's something in me that's broken

A clock that's stopped ticking

 

I can't take this pain anymore...

I can't take it...

 

But I'll have to take it on the chin

Lift up my shield and battle again

 

I can't give up

Not now

Not ever.

 

I just want to fly

 

I just want to be held

 

I want to me free from the chains I've locked myself in

 

I want to live

 

I have to try....

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741