The Grand Tour


Hello and welcome to the grand tour,

Saftey exits are to your right just in case.

Trust me, many people have used them.

If you decide to stick around we're going to have quite the long day,

You see this tour will start with a question and end with an answer.

Wether that's what you wated from this tour or not - what you see is what you're going to get.

Let's start with a disclaimer-

I am who I am,

5'2', short like the barstools I slept on as a child, but don't expect to see me at your favorite bar because....

I'm underage.

Some mornings I wake up as a lioness,

and others something akin to a body left on the sidewalk.

Because murder,

Well not neccesarily murder.

Okay yes, I love a good horror movie, and the nighs spent awake afterwards wondering in a blind panic if it was the right decision to rent 'Satan's Little Helper'

To which I reply, "Nope." 

When makeupless I am no better than a self-depreciating puddle,

But Iced with a  beautiful glimmer I am a godess of...insecurity.

I'm bi, but I love gay people almost as much as I love sausage,

that wasn't a sexual pun; I'm not good at those, 

but I do make a mean 'dad' joke every once and a while.

I'm attractive enough to be catcalled,

but have trouble keeping up relationships.

I talk too much and have a deep defining passion for...middle aged celebrities.

See where the relationship might not work? 

No, I'm lovable, and have a sweet voice when ordering coffee,

or getting gas, or playing Magic The Gathering because I'm that kind of girl. 

Really though,

My nose is too big and my face is too small.

My phone is on silent and I don't return calls.

But I love cuddles and tv shows filled with drama, because I like my life to be drama-less.

If everyday could be Tuesday I would shout, "Hurray!"

Because Taco Tuesdays are so much simpler than the death of my father

that haunts me on city streets on the way back to my car-

Back to relationships.

I've always wondered how they work, because if someone could love me half as much as I love other people then maybe I could understand 'eternity'.

Because to me, eternity has always seemed...well, unneccesary.

Thing change, like bodies filled with far too much Taco Tuesday

or Burger Friday or Pie-Filled Monday.

Because eating is always easier than remembering.

I have stretch marks that look like tiger stripes and I growl in the mirror each morning,

rubbing foundation into my skin and taming my red mane.

All the while I sing "Sweet Dreams" because I rarely ever have them.

But I chase them like a kit in the wind,

because I deserve them, am worthy of them.

My eyes are the color of abandoned cornfeilds and beautiful

like my smile that creeps up too far on oneside,

and the angel kisses that I have learned to love.

Despite the cut here lines on my thighs and the biting tone of my words,

I am fragile and flawed,

I am strong and utterly perfect.

Warm because I like old books and tracing my palms across covers touched by so many other hands-

like I held my mom's as a child and peered around at the strangers my parents called 'family'.

As I do now when I laugh wildly in quiet spaces,

and recieve stares that I brush off with tears and panicked breaths,

because I sound like a hyena that's gasping for air. 

I find humor worth the burning in my chest, and the anxiety that cripples me when I think of hands touching the back of my neck and working their way over my spine-

But I am fine.

Because kissing is nice, even when awakward and love is nice in all forms.

Because I am warm hearted,

The keeper of a heart far too large.

A heart filled with enough love to be worth something.

So I am worth something -

I am worth everything. 

I can spoon my body pillow through every nigth terror, 

And I can hold my head high

even when the rain ruins my straightened hair causing it to frizz and rise around me like a tower in the midst of a city square. 

I enjoy handshakes, but deny eye contact when it matters most.

I'm strong headed,

but cry the second someone yells at me for being wrong.

I am human, and I am me.

Especially in those moments when the sun is shining,

yelling at people in various voices in my car.

When I'm murming obscene comments under my breath,

and scratching the back of my neck when nervous.

I love watching sprout and faking accents,

Reliving my childhood in reruns of Pooh Bear,

And beleiving that one day - Oh one day, my skin will tan because it's so damn pale.

I love my ticks

and twitches

and overwhelming sense of 'I'm not okay'.

Because 'I'm fine' is hilarious.

Because humor is valid and important.

Because I am made great in my insecurity.

It's a never ending rollarcoaster being me.

One long tour on the express labeled 'danger' that's just beginning. 

The exits are open,

and as always they remain without locks.

But the answer, what I love most of all -

Is that I'm still here,

and despite what anyone might say.

That is grand;

Afterall, I am who I am. 






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