Full Circle
That’s what I’ve done.
I use to hate myself, hate my body, hate my hair.
I use to wear a mask, pretend I wasn’t there.
I use to hurt those who’s done nothing but care.
God who is he, he’s not in my life he’s the reason my father isn’t here.
I felt such sorrow, I was confused and angry.
I felt like I had no one who cared about me.
I looked in the mirror and couldn’t stand what I’d see.
I would ask God why do you hate me? Why do you curse me with such misery?
This club though it feels nice, these drinks, these drugs they make me feel free.
I don’t need you; I just need to be me.
Forget life, forget acceptance, forget me.
That truck it looks nice, I wonder how fast I’d die if it hit me.
This ledge, these pills… I’ve swallowed 6 so far… time for me to say my goodbyes, time for me to do myself a favor, time for me to die.
Then right there you allowed me to call someone who pleaded with me, telling me “is this the way you really want to die.
Am I that selfish, do I even care about my family?”
As she cried, she told me her son committed suicide too. I cried and thought, “how could I do that to you.”
A mom who’s done nothing but love me through my selfish ways.
Then God blessed me with strength to face my problems.
I stopped running from myself and started asking for help.
I became my own therapist and discovered poetry.
As the pin hit the paper my heart slowly revealed itself to me.
I began to peel away the hate, I began to peel away the shame.
I looked at myself and found the root – my gender and sexuality.
So I went on a quest. I wanted to cut off my breast. I wanted to be Tony.
I went to the doctor and she diagnosed me with GID. “Gender Identity Disorder”.
Yes. Finally I know what’s wrong with me.
Now I can truly be free.
As I slowly let Tatiana fade away I began to embrace Tony.
Finally people see what I see.
Finally people see me.
But I still felt empty.
Funny thing is as my outward appearance became more masculine, I began to feel more feminine.
I wasn’t afraid to show my weakness, because I began to accept me for me.
I was finally letting other people in.
Then I opened your book of rules.
I opened it to show everyone you aren’t with us.
But then you showed me I’m just a hopeless fool.
I was busy chasing the wind letting everyone else in but you.
As I read your word, you slowly revealed your love for me.
You began to speak to my heart.
I craved your wisdom as I only wanted you to make me who I was made to be.
I left the drugs, didn’t need the alchahol.
Discovered I was blindly living in sin.
I began to want to obey, wanting to put a smile to your face.
Wanting to be your child cleansed by your Holy Spirit and grace.
I began to honor my mother, I began to love my neighbor, I began to delight in my lessons as I became closer and closer to you.
Then you spoke to me.
I looked in the mirror and you said “ this isn’t who you’re supposed to be.”
I fought and rebelled and said “No, you don’t understand. I can’t go back! I was born as a woman, but God you gave me the brain of a man.”
Why would you do this to me?
Then he spoke to me again.
“I make no mistakes”
That very moment he covered me with peace; none like I’ve ever felt.
I told him yes as I threw my testosterone away.
I fell to my knees and cried, “I don’t know where you’re taking me, but give me strength to follow and overcome, please surround me with your grace.”
I became closer and closer to you, seeing your promise of blessing come to pass.
No longer am I living in the living room, but now I have a bed and a bathroom of my own. No longer am I in a possession that I hate, now I make your bread of life and create your double cakes.
I began to feel complete, but like any onion you had to peel a step further.
You let me meet a woman, and you said you’ve done well here’s a gift and your new season.
She saw Tony, she saw a man, even though I told her I was born a woman.
She saw my soul and fell in love with the ever-changing me.
She helped me love myself; she helped me accept my growing breast as God kept speaking to me telling me I can never have a chest.
I fell in love with her.
But I became blinded as I became luke-warm.
I read the bible less, I spoke to him less.
I started to drink more, clubbed more.
I started to lust more.
I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I chose to disobey.
You told me to leave her, so I left you.
I began to feel you slowly leaving as I drifted further away.
But just like before I called out to you.
I needed your love, and you told me.
“I do everything for a reason, she’s my child and she’s been calling for me. I sent you to her so that you can save her and that she cans save you.
I make no mistakes
You two were suppose to meet, so that both of you can give me thanks
Why are you sad? I knew you would let your emotions blind you.
I knew you would drift away from me, but you needed to understand you’re still weak.
Now you write this poem a changed creature understanding you’re only in a vessel. You’ve learned to love yourself by loving me.
You’ve prayed for strength and now I’m giving it to you. You’ve prayed for guidance and I’m showing you how to follow.
I heard you when you fell to your knees, and you’ve never been alone.
Now you are reborn yet again, but this time you love yourself.
Stop hiding yourself, and come back to me.
Let me break this next chain, stop binding your breast, stop cutting your hair, stop hiding your beauty. Come to me as I slowly set you free