Friendly Epiphany

Kindergarten 

I chase you around the sandbox

And just for a moment our eyes lock

And you give me that big goofy smile 

That says: let's just stay friends for the while 

            I was still imagining my wedding dress

            But your love you had yet to confess

            Foolishly I waited two more years 

            But nothing close reached my ears

3rd Grade

Brown hair, brown eyes, and personality

We smile at each other and continually tease 

But fate moved me far, far away

And just friends was the way we always stayed

4th Grade

I was the new kid in town, just looking for friends

Saw your blue eyes and hoped for more in the end

You became "bored", and found a red-head

Not even just friends, it was like I was dead 

              Spent one more year looking for closure

              Finally, I regained my composure

6th Grade

You and I could talk so easily

Let my guard down and took a leap

Asked you out, you didn't like me that way

And ironically, we haven't talked since that day

7th Grade

Never really chatted til' the end of the year

How we became friends was never perfectly clear

"Loved" any girl who gave you the time

I came out to be girl number five 

8th Grade 

I was done; I was tired: Maybe I could live with alone

But then you made several butterflies call my stomach their home

But the situation was an "it's complicated" 

And I was never the one that you dated

              I still had some lingering feelings

              But I completely denied their significant meanings 

9th Grade

Black and white look pretty good on me when all is said and done

Maybe fate is right, trying to make me be a nun

I threw my hands up in the air: let the waiting games begin

Maybe all I really am is just a really good "just friend"

10th Grade- The Change 

The whole year was a blur, not really focused on guys

There were definitely no apples in my eyes

And I was starting to realize

That I

Am simply not satisfied 

But not because of the attention 

That was not headed in my direction

But because I keep expecting everyone else

To tell me what's so great about myself

Could it be

Happiness is not guaranteed

When or if he finally notices me?

11th Grade-The present 

All the ghosts of crushes past

Seemed to all come rushing back

And

On top of that

I think I had a major crazy spat

I was holding onto little things

Colossal hopes with little wings

And how sad it is to discover

That your hopefully significant other

Is completely, utterly unworthy of

All your blind and loyal young love

Wait

It was nothing close to love

It was simply a flimsy, fairweather crush

But the heart knows all the same

Anytime you start playing games

Because you know it can still break at the mention of a name

Wait

It was nothing close to breaking

Just sagging a little at all of the mistaking

Mistaking someone as valuing you

Mistaking kindness as the start of something new

I feel tricked

I feel duped

I feel like sitting on a stoop and

Contemplating...

Why do I think that dating

Will provide validation

Or ease my frustration

Or lay a foundation

For me to start liking myself

Again

For once I was my own friend

A long time ago, I used to smile back at my reflection

And I used to look at myself with a modicum of affection

I'd like to get back to being my own ally

But first I need to know that I can't wait for some guy

To make me feel that balance inside

I keep looking in others' eyes

For what I want myself to recognize

So I need to stop basing my self-worth 

On how many heads I can or can't turn

I'm taking the power back, finally

You no longer control whether or not I'm happy

I am my own lock

And I am my own key

And my own words shall set me free

And I am my  own prince charming

And I will call myself darling

And I will slip on my own glass shoes

And if I'm stuck in a tower, I'm my own rescue

And I will complement me on my taste

And my own flaws I will embrace

And my own heart I will mend

And my own soul I will befriend

And I will see everything. Smile to frown. 

And. I. Will. Still. Be. Around. 

And so henceforth, I'm on a mission

Or rather, I'm in remission

How did my thinking get so far off track? 

How could I not know  that I am all that

And a bag of chips

And could launch a million ships

But not because of the way I look

But because I finally know something that took

A long time to see, but myself I will pardon

I've been trying to get it right since kindergarten

Anyway, what I finally know 

Is that now is the time to truly appreciate

All that is flawed and all that is great

And recognize despite inner debate

That it's all me

Edges smooth and rough

And forever I'll say: you are enough.

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