Mon, 02/05/2018 - 20:14 -- ngaray

Dear ex-bestfriend,

Im sorry.

I want your forgiveness I think it's the only way for me to forget you.
Then again, I don't want to forget you.

The three a.m. calls, the six p.m. chats, the quiet hangouts, the never-ending laughter,
the pain,
the tears,
the love.

There was once a time where I reminisced of those memories and they brought me joy,
now they're the only way I can remember how you looked like.

I can't remember your voice, but I can still remember your laughter.
How you would look at me intently when I was talking because you used to say
I spoke like a beautiful flower.
But I only spoke beautifully when I was with you because anywhere else
I felt my petals being torn.

I remember how you would follow me when I would say I wanted to go for a walk alone
because you could see the truth beneath my lie and knew I hated to be alone.

I remember how you would ask me if I was okay each day and I'd say yes
and you'd hug me because we both knew I wasn't.

I remember many things about you, and the one I can't forget is
when we saw each other for the last time.

I can't forget how your eyes looked when I distanced myself because I told you
I don't let anyone inside.
I can't forget how you walked away when I acted as if I didn't know you.
I can't forget how I felt when I realized it was too late to say, "I'm sorry."

I'm sorry.

Your name feels foreign, like a forgotten language.
I can't say it without pain.
But why is it that you constantly ponder my thoughts yet
I doubt I ponder yours.

Maybe I thought of you more than a friend,
maybe I let you in but was afraid of being hurt
because the last time I let someone in I barely made it out alive.

Maybe I was afraid of actually being happy to have someone who I felt wouldn't leave.
Or maybe, just maybe I was afraid of understanding what it truly meant to have a friend.

Now it's all ruined, I have destroyed the only thing that brought me happiness
and I have forgotten who I am because when I look in the mirror I just see a girl
who promised she would never hurt you and broke it.

I don't want to be that girl anymore
so now I'm making a new promise to myself.

If I ever meet you again I promise this time I won't take you for granted.
I'll laugh at all of your corny jokes,
give you a hug when you ask for one.
I'll ask about your day and make sure to hold you when you're crying
because you feel the world is against you, but I'll hold you
to let you know that I will never leave you again.

I'll make sure to tell you how I am because I know you worry.
I'll stay on the phone with you until night becomes day
and you fall asleep because your nightmares went away.

I'll do everything in my power to keep you near me,
I won't distance myself from you this time.
I'll cherish you and the memories we've made together.

but sadly,

sadly, these can never become because truth is, you're happy.

And I don't want to ruin your happiness.
If you could be happy without me
then why shouldn't I learn to cope with the unbearable and learn to be happy without you?

This is my final gooodbye.

Thank you for everything you've done.
The happiness you've showed me.
The pain you gave me.
The laughter you filled me with
The tears I've shed, and everything in between.

Thank you.

Now it's time to say goodbye and let our friendship become forgotten.

I became a forgotten person to you.
Forgotten like that penny I lost the first day I met

Forgotten like when I said your name today and didn't feel the pain.




-N. G.







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