i wander, alone

my heart is quiet

the first few drops fall, then 

the sky turns yellow

& i too am falling.

i reach, plaid feelings extending,

feelings unpeeling like an apple,

 

silence.

 

stop me, i pray to the clouds

hold me until i can find my balance

my tears mix with the fresh--

my heart inflates into a buoy

 

did you mean it

when you said

don't trust the human inside?

 

sailing faster, i fold into the whitewash

& the night echoes back my

questions, taunting:

 

(can you find me here?)

(will you show me why i am alone?)

(is my smile too big for your boxes?)

 

i float on under the cedars,

the unspeakable terrors

whispering to me from the current--

 

(you are as pencil shavings)

(stop wishing for the sunlight)

(click the pens one by one,

it doesn't make a difference)

 

paddling faster,

i stretch my umbrella handle

to grasp the sun & pull it down

into this sea--

hope is a thing with feathers

and it has flown far away

from here

 

but on i sail, my heartbeat

keeping me afloat

maybe, i will reach a shore

with people that will repair my smile

& we will feast upon black coffee

& roasted marshmallows

until we remember every sparkling

dish drain and high school dance

 

i write with my finger in water-ink

about this time upon my thumping raft

& a breeze flutters my 

eyelashes

a feather of hope lands upon

my nose

 

land is near,

i shall not be afraid

green pastures are calling

still waters are within my long sighs

restore my soul, please!

 

i am tired of being afraid

of never getting better

i want to be remembered for my laughter,

not for being the one that required

tiptoes & well wishes

 

i stretch out my umbrella again,

& this time i anchor to the shore

with the realization that happiness 

is not a feeling you can achieve

its a place--

the place you are when someone smiles out of pure love

or when you take the first sip of 

something warm amid the icicles

its light blues & springtime

& oh please, 

letmedipmytoesinthesilence

 

i am no longer afraid

for the sun has risen

and i am alive