The Fledgeling
There was a blue swing in the playground
In the far corner
Where the grass was frosty under my feet
The only color
Among all the other swings
And best of all
Apart from the rest
The blue swing
Mine alone
There is always more comfort
In being lonely alone
Than being lonely in a crowd
And I pumped my feet high
And imagined
That if I were brave enough to jump
I could fly –
Never touch the ground again –
But I’m a coward
You can get used to anything
And besides
Loneliness has a certain comfort
A blanket
That held tight enough against your body
Returns your warmth
But doesn’t quite stretch in all directions
And leaves your heart
Out in the cold
When I was alone I knew everything
I knew who I was
In the way that a flat piece of paper
Professes to reveal
The world in all its complexities
Too much time
Spent searching the corners of my brain
Thinking vainly
I could find God there
Who am I?
I dance when I’m alone
Like the ballerina I used to think I’d be
I sing along to Strauss waltzes
And my voice cracks on the high notes
I met God in the forest and by the ocean and in music –
The private trivia
Of a teenage girl
But I won’t always be seventeen
Funny how it takes someone else
To teach you
Who you are
Funny how the most important things
About you
Are sometimes
Revealed in someone else
Like the only true mirror
Has someone else’s face in it
Alone makes it easy
To know what you want to be
But to become who you want to be
You have to know the person you are
And I didn’t
And I’m still not sure
Because the one thing I know
Is that I’ve changed
And the face in the mirror is a new one
It’s a relief in the end
To know that I know nothing
Better to know I have my eyes shut
Than to be blind
Better to be unsure of the real world
Than to memorize every item
On the inventory of that close room
The vivid blackness
Of the inside of my skull
At least I can say:
I am here
I am ready to experience
If not to know
My eyes are open
My hands are extended to you
Reach the rest of the way
And I won’t need that blue swing
Anymore