I put on makeup because I am on a journey to find myself

I have several obstacles to overcome to reach the end

But is there an end to this journey?

This journey we call identity

 

Identity doesn’t have a quick route

Finding my identity sure doesn’t

My father is nonexistent for 16 years of my life

I ask,” Why doesn’t he want me?”

My mother has to be my father as well

How am I supposed to know what to expect from my future husband?

How am I supposed to know what I deserve?

 

I am raised to be Christian, but in a very strict home

I am not allowed to have as much freedom as the other kids

Because my grandfather is a preacher

Others have a higher standard of me

 

I’m finally in high school

A boy looks at me and gives me attention

I don’t know what to do

I have been called UGLY

FAT

Why would he want to talk to me?

It turns out he played with me 

My emotions are like a toy to him

Since when did the human being become a game to be played with?

Thrown away after the person is bored

But then gone back to because another human being feels they can do so

 

Growing up without a father is very impacting

No Father means not knowing how you should be treated or shouldn’t

I didn’t know

I cried and cried tears of pain

The first dose of male attention and I was shocked by the side effects

I learned to shut off my feelings

 

I wish I could do this with my mother

She may just tease and make jokes

But jokes become more than jokes at some point

I deal with it and move on

Moving on is a lot harder than I thought

 

I leave for college

Salisbury University

I am adjusting 

I am considered pretty here

This really confuses me

I assume I look ugly without it

I don’t need it 

Boys still look at me, but only for something physical

I want something emotional

Its college so I can’t expect much

 

I come back home and everything is the same

My brothers got taller though

I deal with the same family issues

I’m still on this journey to find myself