Back when I was five, I remember you walking me to class on my first day of kindergarten

You on my left, my mom on my right

I turned to see both of you, eyes filled with that look only proud parents can have

Back then, I was too young to remember how you and mom argued when you had an affair and moved out when I was six months old

All I knew was that, you were three times my height and you could lift me with ease

How your mostly black, but slightly grey beard tickled my face when you kissed me on the forehead and sent me off too class

You would, pick me up and play rocket-ship and spin me around

Or let me stand on your feet, my hands engulfed in yours, and you’d walk, because you knew it made me feel like a giant

It seemed every weekend I’d pack a shirt, some boxers and some pants and spend the night at your place, and we’d do nothing but eat junk food, watch movies and play video games

I’d tire myself out pressing button after button on your Yamaha keyboard, thinking I was Mozart

I’d struggle with your acoustic guitar because it was almost the same size as me and I’d try and play it and hop around, pretending I was Chuck Berry, doing the duck walk and you, were my biggest fan

I remember how every Sunday you’d take me to Dave Lynch’s barber shop; get me a haircut with a swirly design on the side

You’d tell the barber to make the chair as high as possible because you knew it made me feel like a giant

I’d watch Digimon on the small T.V. in the corner and when I was done getting my hair cut, you’d tell the barber to use extra aftershave, because you knew I was fascinated by how it somehow, made my head tingle in the wind

Then you’d take me home, but before you did, you’d stop at clown cone and knowing that I’d say yes, you’d ask if I wanted a new pack of “Pokéman” cards, and I’d laugh and say

“It’s pronounced Pokémon Dad”

I’d go home and mom would ask if I wanted a bowl of cereal, and I’d say no..

I was full because you could make breakfasts fit for a king

It must be a trait you passed on to me, these I stand in front of the stove and make pancakes just like you used to

I even beat eggs like you, with the bowl tilted and the fork on an angle

And just like yours, my mom and sister rave about my pancakes

I thought you were perfect, invincible, the coolest dad in the world

When we had field day at the end of the school year, nothing made me more proud than saying

“See that guy, the fun one? That’s my dad”

You made everything fun

When my favorite song came on the radio, you’d turn the volume up as loud as you could and you’d mouth the lyrics like you were the artist that wrote them

And when the song went off you’d go “That was just a lil somethin’ somethin’ I recorded in my spare time”

You drove me to Virginia in that same car, and sat me on your lap, my hands barely big enough to grip the steering wheel, and you let me drive down those same dirt roads you walked on with your father, when you were my age, hunting with him

You made me feel like the best kid in the world

When I wanted to go to Dairy Queen for the first time, so you said you'd take me that weekend

That week, I got suspended for fighting and mom said I couldn't go

When she went to work that day, you took me anyway

I thought you were unbreakable but could fix anything

I remember, you fostered a love for fishing in me, and late one night

I hooked a three pound largemouth bass, big enough for you to put your giant fist inside it's mouth

You were so proud, you pulled out your cell phone and called everyone you knew, telling them "You will not believe what little Chazzy just did"

Now, whenever I go to that pond, over by Agler road, I stand in that same exact spot and remember that moment

Sometimes I wish I hadn't have caught that fish because I might have taken a dad away from it's kids

Just like me, you loved science fiction, we both loved video games

Once Christmas, after you got me my first PS2, I had a page long list of games I wanted

Mom made me choose three

That Christmas you gave me every game on that list

One of them was a Demo CD, and when I saw a game on there that I wanted, you went and got it that night and left it for me to find the day after Christmas

But over time, things changed

You moved in with us and life was good, until you and mom got into another argument, which lead to another argument because she told me you'd had various affairs

You thought I'd look at you different but I swear I didn't care

It was as big to me as dust particles in the air

I remember the day my mom picked me up from the Boys And Girls club and said your dad is no longer living here

You disappeared

Simply vanished, gone without a trace

Over the years I'd learn goodbye is something you never think to say

That wasn't the first nor the last time you left

Before you abandoned me for good, we went to Cedar Point

You surprised me with season passes; we stocked up on junk food and drove to Sandusky

A short while after that, you left

For two years I didn't hear anything from you

I just knew that you'd moved to Atlanta with that woman you'd been seeing for a year, even though you and mom weren't divorced yet

In those years you made me who I am

I changed a bit more every day, you couldn't have more of an effect if you stayed

Did you ever think about what your actions would do to me?

Bullet riddled with hurt as the conduit you used to shoot my mother down

You did it so nonchalant as if you didn't have a bother

And passed down those same demons you inherited from your father

I went into a shell, school was irrelevant, and why should I pay attention and listen

It's not gonna explain why my father suddenly went missing

Nothing you can teach me, can soothe the anguish of a ten year old kid

Who suddenly found himself without a dad to hold him

My mother tried but it didn't matter because at the end of the day

I thought maybe I was the reason daddy didn't stay

Maybe I should have been a better son to him

Maybe if I get better grades, become smarter, he'll love me again

These days I’m skeptical of anyone who says they’ll always be there for me

So I accidentally push away those who try to care for me

I don’t really trust adults, or anyone for that matter

I want to believe you might stand true

But if my own biological father can turn his back on me, why can't you?

In those two years I did and felt, saw and heard some things a kid should never have too

I felt like a reject, from offspring to outcast

There must be something wrong with me; none of my friends are without dads

I tried to make it easier on my mom and then some

Didn't ask for many gifts, knowing she couldn't afford Jordans her income

Got kicked out of school for fighting but no one could tell

My mouth didn't work, my fists were just crying for help

I'm nineteen

Coming up on a decade, and I still miss feeling like a giant

Your boy is a man now, you're trying to be my father but I don't need your help

I made it through my first kiss, date, girlfriend, and heartbreak without you

I've realized that, you could never be a father to me

That’s the most honest of truths, the problem you see

Is your dad was never a father to you

It's not that you didn't love me, you loved me as much as you could

But Grandpa never loved his son, so how could you ever love yours?

You just couldn't love me very much

You were never taught how

The buck stops here, my kid won't inherit this, such a tradition is discontinued

When I have a son, I'll do better with him

And provide the child with what I was never given

When he's five and looks up at me the way I looked up at you

Me on his left, his mom on his right, our eyes filled that look only proud parents can have

I'll kiss him on the forehead and let my mostly black but slightly grey beard tickle his forehead as I send him off to class and..

When he comes home, I'll pick him up, play rocket-ship and spin him and around, I'll let him stand on my feet, his hands engulfed in mine

And I'll walk, so he can feel like a giant.