Familiar
I have this weird obsession with the cold.
Perhaps I’m simply
Fascinated
With familiarity,
But it knows just the right ways to freeze to the bone
Leaving the numbness of my heart
Feeling so much less lonely.
And I understand
Aggressively
That people are always around
To help keep me company
But clenched fists get stuck that way
If nobody ever learns the mercy
Of an open palm against your chest.
Depending on which window
You view from,
It is quite fortunate that
Heartbeats frighten me.
And, “I don’t need saving.”
Is a tattoo I plan on getting.
And maybe when you revealed
that you’re also still afraid of the dark,
It reminded me
That light is too often blinding.
And when we try to escape it,
Our eyes take too long to adjust
And we’re left blind
With uncertainty.
I’m not asking for sympathy.
But in the 2 years’ time
That I turned from who I was
To who I am
I seemed to have forgotten
The what, where, when, and how
And exactly where I left them
Is still unclear.
So, without any given circumstances
Or a stance to really stand for at all,
I think I will relish in this silence
Night by night
Spring to fall
Until I can feel still again.
Because the absence of motion
is all I’ve ever truly known.
Perhaps I’m simply
Fascinated
With familiarity,
But it knows just the right ways to freeze to the bone.