Faith in Myself
I am scared.
When there are a thousand different ways to go, I have to pick one way.
I am scared of losing faith in myself.
I am scared of being engulfed in a world full of negativity and hate.
I am scared of becoming a nameless identity
Devoid of expression
Creativity
And happiness-
A byproduct of modern society.
Why is it
That people say
“You’ll need this when you’re older”
or
“You’ll use this in the real world someday”
And yet I don’t know what a 401k is?
Why am I told to follow my dreams
but I am measured by a number?
I am scared
When a teacher tells me I need this grade to pass
But I know tests are not how I assess my growth-
My growth is not represented on paper.
It is represented in my actions.
I am encouraged to take tests for subjects I’m not even that interested in
But it looks good for college.
“Here” they say, “APs are free.”
-I guess that’s where teacher cuts went this year.
I am tired of being subjected to the wrath of a broken education and job system
That prioritizes profit over prosperity
Performance over happiness
And efficiency over intuition.
We’re told to gain life skills by getting good jobs
But employers don’t let us do anything meaningful.
“You’re insightful and creative?
Here- push shopping carts and clean the bathrooms.”
I fear
That when I leave high school
I will be expected to know
How to do my taxes
And find a place to live
And finance a home
And get a car
And a ‘real’ job
But high school isn’t about learning how to do any of that.
High school is about just trying to stay afloat without losing it
Honors and APs are the new ‘normal’
And if you can’t do it you’re ‘stupid.’
I have endured all-nighters
Bloodshot eyes
Fainting spells
Shakiness
Panic attacks
Tears
In the name of what?
My sister declared
With sincere confidence
That as a freshman, she will be in bed at 9:30 every night.
But she does not understand.
She is the fragility of youth
That has not yet been undermined by corruptness
Still viewing the world with keen eyes
That have not seen the stresses of high school.
She has yet to understand
That tests are a misnomer for something that does nothing to help you understand material
‘Group projects’ are one-man projects with credit given to everyone
And that ‘involvement’ is more or less a requirement.
I am scared for her too.
So when people tell me
That I am ‘fine’
That I am going to just ‘figure things out’
I can’t help but not answer.
For these people
Who attempt to assure me
Are the same people- the catalysts
-of this machine of a society
A machine that chews you up and spits you out.
So I am scared-
I am scared of losing faith in myself,
For after all that I've been through
It seems to be one of the few things left worth holding on to.