When you fail

How does it feel?

Upsetting?

Or

Like you’re falling

Down

Down

Down

Like you hurt someone you loved.

 

When you ignore someone

How do you feel?

Do you feel guilty

Or

Do you feel

Like you could never make it up to them

Like you’re sinking

But you don’t want to ask for help

Because you would be in even more debt?

 

When you cheat on an assignment

How does it feel?

Do you feel culpable

Or

 Do you feel like you upset the balance

Like the apologies are worthless

Like the throbbing pain will live in your heart

Forever?

 

When you bump someone

How do you feel?

Do you say sorry

Or

Do you continuously apologize

Hoping to set things right

And twist the “It’s okay”s

Into “How could you”s

Until it all fades to black

 

When you mess up

Maybe you think,

‘I’m sorry,

It was just a mistake’

But I think

‘I did everything wrong

I am a terrible person

I feel so, so, so bad

I don’t deserve a life

As good as mine

It is unfair.

I

Don’t

Deserve

Anything.’

 

I try to make it up.

I taught myself psychology

To help others

I volunteer

As often as possible

I teach kids

English, Math, and how to swim

And yet…

The pain lingers yet still.

 

Why

Why

Why

I know I did nothing wrong…

But

I

Did.

 

I was the one who ignored my friend

And now she has new friends

I was the one who copied the math notes because I hadn’t been able to focus

And now I am falling behind

I was the one who tripped over that ball and fell into someone

And now I have a broken toe

But those are all on the surface

I can heal those wounds

But the scars inside never fade.

 

I was sent to the principal’s office

In first grade

When I was blamed for the actions of a different girl.

I knew and still know I did nothing wrong,

And yet to this day my stomach still roils with the fear

Of having failed my principal, my teachers, my parents

Of having failed everyone.

 

I’ve heard

“Atychiphobia”

“Perfectionist”

“Fear of failure”

“Teacher’s pet”

Do those comments mean I’ve failed my peers, too?

 

I don’t know why thy don’t give up on me already.

They all know I cannot stop making mistakes

So why can’t they just give up already!?

I hate them trying,

Because their sacrifices towards me just make me feel even more guilty.

I DON’T DESERVE THEIR SACRIFICES

I DON’T DESERVE IT

I DON’T

I-