Eye of the Beholder

They say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. 

Well, I must be blind because no matter how hard or long I stare into the mirror every night and morning, I can’t find any of this beauty.

 

I see eyes that are too chinky and too dull, like muddy brown waters. 

 

I see a nose that is too wide. 

 

I see hair that is too short, and too thick and will never look the hair in the shampoo commercials,  no matter how much money I waste on hair care products or "magic growth creams."

 

I see ears that are too close to my head and too small and disfigured after 2 cosmetic surgeries. 

 

I see boobs that are too big and too low with too many stretch marks and are not at all like what glamorous big boobs should be. No one knows how hard it is the find a bra that fits me, and when I do, it's always either black brown or nude- none of the pretty colors or pretty designs that girls with normal sized breasts get. Or how every bra fitting ends in tears. 

 

I see a stomach that is too round and carries a muffin top with a side of love handles - not a bikini body at all no matter how many meals I go without. 

 

I see thighs that are too close together– no thigh gap, no nothing. 

 

I see a waist that is too wide and too large, not a size 0 like the models have. 

 

I see knees that are knobby and stick out awkwardly when I sit down or wear shorts. 

 

And I see feet that are crooked and curved slightly to the side. Feet that are different sizes to the point where I have to get 2 different size shoes or squeeze the bigger one into the smaller size.

 

But despite all the imperfections I see, and the mistakes and errors of my body that are not fit for the beauty standards of society, I see me. 

 

I see a girl who wants nothing more to be happy. I see a girl who is exhausted beyond words but she keeps going because she doesn't have the luxury to stop. 

 

I see her eyes- old eyes, sick eyes, sad eyes, that have seen more pain and heartache than you can imagine but still manage to glow bright when someone says "you look really pretty today" or "I love you."

 

I see a girl whose body has betrayed her in every way possible, and acts without warning, but she will never tell anyone just how bad she is hurting. 

 

I see a girl who tries her hardest to be the best, to be the smartest, and when she falls short she picks herself back up and dusts herself off to try again. 

 

I see a girl who sees the world in a whole different perspective, through the lens of her camera, that somehow makes everything seem better and brighter and more beautiful. 

 

I see a girl who loves life and loves her family and loves living. 

 

But overall, I see a girl that is beautiful.

I see a girl that is important.

I see an amazing young woman and her name is……Me.

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