Adoption is rarely talked about, but is partly the reason why we are where we are today.
We hesitate to talk because all that ever comes are the snide comments,
waiting like dangling knives at our throats,
trying, and succeeding to slice what little hope we have left to shreds.
"Your mother never loved you."
"You may never want to meet her."
"Why do you love someone you never met? How?"
Then you get all the what if's thrown at you.
"What if meeting her turns out to be a spam?"
"What if she hates you?"
"What if she rejects you?"
"What if you get there and you change your mind?
"What if your meeting doesn't turn out like you'd hoped?"
"What if you hate her because she's mean?
We have parents as well. We may know little to nothing about them, but we have them.
OUR what if's burn like a fire, waiting to escape the pits of our minds. Our QUESTIONS
left unanswered are the ONLY things we have left for that time being. Our occasional tears
are our only reminder that we're still surviving without the parents you're so blessed to have.
If we appear lost in thought when we see a mother-daughter relationship, it's because we
hope to have that one day, but we realize we'll never HAVE that maternal affection because
SHE GAVE UP!
We envy you. You wake up to the face that went through verbally indescribable pain
for you to be here today. We envy that you don't have to wonder. We envy that you can
freely use the title "mom" because to us, we feel like an inconvenience. Hell, our own
mothers gave us up. What could be more inconvenient than that?
We hate you. We hate that you don't see what you have when you see it. Some of us
lost what we had before we even realized we had it to begin with. We hate the phrase "You
were unwanted." We reciprocate by saying "Our parents chose us. Yours are stuck with
you." But we don't feel any better. You're probably right that they didn't want us, but none
of us want to face that.
We despise that you'll never understand why we are the way we are.
You throw, "At least you have parents."
We throw back, "We're tired of the "stunt parents" we have. They're bound to us by a judge
that slams a gavel on a table to "close our case." You say, "The orphanage couldn't have been
that bad." We'll gladly retort, "Haha, you wanna bet? Spend a day there, and see if you like
eating minimally and wondering why there's eighty kids around you, abusive caretakers, and
no parents." You'll say, "Why do you care about a woman that gave you up." Some will say
"Because she cared enough to do what may have been the right thing, and the what may have
been is what we'll always resent. The could haves. And the well maybe's.