Emptying House

The episode of Full House that reminds me of you came up today,

The one about the kid getting abused by his father.

The part that reminded me of you was his looks,

His little joking charm, with that cute smile that left an imprint.

Now he never changed, but you did.

The physical abuse became too real as I heard the snippet

Of you exchanging blows with your father and the retreat to who knows where.

The kid had easily gained a new family, away from his dad,

But it’s different right?

It has to be different for you and him, right?

Because hearing you have just come back shattered me.

It shattered my imagery, and my images of my second family.

It shattered the idea that maybe one day it’d be okay

To face them and you and pretend that it’d be okay.

It shatters me when I can’t know how you feel

About your brother running away, missing, to maybe never come back like you did.

The muddy waters in my mind are filled with shards

That can’t do nothing but tear me up inside

And make the once picture perfect You fade from my mind.

I could never see you in a bad light for some reason,

But as for your family and even for you,

Where there is hardly any light shining that way,

I only wish for more sun.

I need you to feel some warmth to know what that can feel like again.

I don’t know why my second family has become

Numbing and yet already numb parents

A confused little girl only to ask “where’s my brother?”

A missing piece of the puzzle that maybe never wanted to be there in the first place,

And you.

You, the gracious innocent smile

The guy who always struck out with girls

The one who held my heart captive only to let it rot

The man made of bad experiences

The physical painting of purples, blacks, and blues

The disappearing and yet reappearing act

The last brother left, with such a distance from everyone

Because no one has been through what you have been through.

You are the one that made me fragile to

The idea of my fading family and a thousand ever changing images of you.

 

This poem is about: 
My family

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